Friday, August 28, 2009

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Well it has been 6 months and 30 days since being banded, and although my goal was to have lost 30kg by 6 months, I am quite pleased with myself that I just might acheive this loss for my 7th month bandiversary.. So, this week, I am friends with my band, and even when I have a PB, I find myself thanking it.. Since my fill on Monday, my appettite hasnt been as big, and even my food choices are better.. and its showing on the scales.. This morning I weighed 117.2kg... I am waiting for it to say 116.6kg.. then I will be excited, which will then make it a total of 30kg loss...
I know that other bandsters that were banded around the same time as me, may have lost more, but for me.. I am proud of my acheivement, as it is really and realisticaly the best I can have done.. I have not lived by a strict diet and exercised myself into the ground, I enjoy life , as I would have before, however the quality of life that I have now is soo much better. It was only yesterday that I was thinking that at the beginning of this year I weighed 146.6kgs... Holy Snappin Duck Shit!!!
I dug myself the biggest hole in being so depressed and insecure, and being unable to be physical with my children and even my hubby.. I got to the point of never wanting to get out of bed in the morning, because I was too embarrased to be seen.. As for clothes shopping.. I was too embarassed to even look at the smaller (regular sized) clothing shops, and even the plus sized shops were a real search within.. When you get to a point where you'll buy anything that fits, whether you like it or not, its depressing.. I would even look in maternity sections of clothing.. and if I was wearing a top from that section, I would just stick it all out and act pregnant.. Oh the shame... I really cant believe I am telling this, and opening up about it.. But I guess it's better out than in..
Now, even with this much weight down, I still have some of those insecurities, and even though I fit into some of the clothing in the "regular sized" clothing stores, I feel like people will be looking at me, as if I dont belong there.. Will I ever feel like I belong there??
As I get undressed for my shower each night, I look at my reflection, I mostly see what more I have to lose, not how much I have lost... But I guess it is only human nature or should I say "female nature" to look for imperfections in ourselves.

There is a young girl (aged about 12) that comes into our store.. Every day she buys ice creams, chocolates, coke etc.. and out she wobbles from the shop... This girl is very overweight.. now in saying this next statement I am not trying to be nasty but it is the best explanation... She not only has a muffin top, but its a whole damn cake top... She is a very sweet girl, and the saddest part if that I can see the path she is on.. I often get so tempted to speak to her parents about putting her on a healthy eating plan.. But then it isnt my place to speak up and put my nose in.. I just know that when that girl starts high school next year, she is going to cop a real rough time.. and if I could save someone from going through that I really would.

After typing this post so far, I notice that my subjects are really quite random, but then thats how my mind is working lately.. all over the bloody show.. I feel really restless, and know not what I want to do. I feel like I should be doing something, but have no idea what..
My hives have gone, thank god, and my thigh is still tender from the anti-histimene, but all in all.. i think things will be ok..
xx Nene

2 comments:

  1. What a great post from you! For real. And I love your conversion table you installed for me. Whenever I am on another blog and someone is talking in weight terms I dont understand, I always look for the conversion thing and alas...only you love me enough to help a lost American out!

    60 pounds is right around the corner. Not too shabby huh? I love your attitude about everything. And for working in a temptation hell, you have done outstanding!!!

    I feel you about going into a shop and not feeling like you belong and worrying if the sales girls are judging us. I think we judge ourselves more than others!

    hugs and kisses NENE!

    Amy

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  2. Holy Snappin Duck shit - I like that one! we really have to curb comparing ourselves to others - comparing ourselves maybe to before the band might be acceptable but to others on what may seem to be "similar" journey is very wrong and broken. No two lives are the same no two people are the same - oh if only I could take my own advice! You are doing so great and doing such the right thing by not killing yourself - where has killing ourselves got us in the past???? And I totally hear you on the whole "you shouldnt be in here" in the shops thing but really - have you EVER looked around you and thought that about anyone else? I'm pretty sure that while out shopping everyone is dealing with their own insecurities and really not giving a hoot about anyone elses. ur doing awesome - keep lovin that fill I'm hoping my steps up on Saturday - I really need it at the moment. Cheering for you babes!

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