Tuesday, September 22, 2009

BRAIN FART BENDER (miserable blog)

I dont know what it is with me lately.. I cant seem to drag myself out of this emotional slump.. some call it depression, but when I think "depression", I picture a jobless, stinking tv watching slob, sitting down scoffing high fat, high sugar stuff.. chain smoking ciggarettes and so forth... Thats not me... BUT, I do feel like sleeping alot, even to the point of not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings.. Usually, I am up and into it and getting ready for my day, but i seem to be dragging myself out and sitting on the couch for half hour before even attempting to fix myself up for work.. I lose my tempter a little too easily at my kids, or sometimes go the other way and just let them have their way for the sake of peace and quiet for my sanity..To be honest, I wish I could dissapear (not a suicidal way) but just escape and not have to deal with general everyday life for a while. I said this to my mum, and she told me that at age 30 she went through a similar train of thought, and it should pass.. But she also said "you're losing weight, looking good, getting a new car, things are good for you, so try to cheer up"... Yeah if only it was that easy.. material things are unimportant to me.. if someone said I'll give you $50,000 to cheer the hell up, I simply couldnt.. Although I wish I could. I do know that this emotional brain fart will pass, as I have had them before, but I just wish I didnt get them of ever feel this way.. My son was laughing and telling me a story the other morning, and I looked at his beautiful smile, and wished that I could share in his excitement.. At times like this, i think my kids deserve a better mother..
Emotionally, my hubby isnt there for me, so I guess this is my way of venting to you guys.. please dont think me strange..

As for my band.. after I was unfilled and down to only 1ml restriction, I went hell for leather on the week end for food.. I was able to eat so much more, and at the time it was good, however, afterwards I felt like crap.. it's amazing how much more in tune you are with your body after not being able to stuff it with crap after all this time.. I was happy to get my fill again yesterday and am now back up to 2mls.. I do think that i may need a tiny tiny bit taken out.. it still is kind of hard to eat. When will I ever find my "happy medium" (I dont mean Shaggs, lol, I mean my sweet spot)..
Well I'm not a whole bundle of excitement with this post, so I'll end here for now..
xx Nene

4 comments:

  1. "happy medium" haha funny (and so far from the truth there is nothing happy or medium about me). My poor darling Nene, I so know where you're at these funks come and go and in the middle of it you feel there is no way out or you dont even care if there is a way out - but I do feel a little concern knowing what you have been through lately (the armed robbery and working like a dawg on top of birthdays, anniversaries etc etc). Your "little funk" may be a little bit more perhaps? Only you can answer that but you're probably in the worst possible place to be objective about it. Just know that I definitely had a mid life crises that lasted from approx my 30th birthday up to about 33 or so it wasnt all misery and sadness but I really didnt realise it had happened until it passed. But Nene my girl, whether it is mid life crises or crisis of any kind, I dont think you're strange or intolerable in any way and you've always got someone to listen to you and understand. Lurve u chicky babe! PS - husband has an interview for job in QLD on Friday!!!!

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  2. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. Years ago when I was feeling depressed, I tried meds. I took them for 3 months just like I was supposed to. They upped them and they still did nothing. So I quit trying. Every now and then I wonder if they might benefit me. Sometimes I get this overwhelming since of what is the point of life. As a non believer (me) it gets kinda depressing to think that this is it. If there is no after life, no reincarnation, etc., then what the hell is the point of all this shit we call life? Then sometimes I think the point is to make a difference and change the world. And that is sometimes what I think kids are for. Because you do live on in them. AND then that brings me right back to the fact that I don't have kids and probably wont...so again, full circle, life is pointless. WOW, was that a pep talk or what? Not really. But I wanted you to know that we all have those times when we dont feel like waking up or exsisting. You have a lot going on in your life lately. Did you ever talk to anyone (a professional) after robber girl? Sorry your husband isnt there for you emotionally. We are. But I know that doesnt even begin to make up for the fact that you are missing that from him. Sometimes the only way I can get myself out of my 'life is pointless funk' is to just tell myself to shut up and try not to worry about it. Life is going to happen so I might as well try to enjoy the ride. Easier said then done.

    I heartchu Nene!

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  3. Awww, I feel for you. I have experienced this as well. We are lucky this is an open community and we can support one another.

    I strongly believe what you are experiencing is depression. The wanting to sleep more, not wanting to get up, and finding it harder to smile with your kids are all signs that you are majorly down. I would try counseling or medication, one or the other. Counseling has always been easier for me.

    I'm sorry your husband isn't there for you. I wish it was easier for you. maybe next time yoiu go to your surgeon you can tell them about all of this that you're experiencing.

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  4. Thanks guys.. I am going to make an appointment to see what I can do.. I did however feel a little lighter after blogging it all out on here, but it seems to go up and down.. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one that goes through this, however, I am also saddened that you all do too.. it's so not a nice thing to deal with..
    I'm sure I wont be down in my funk for too long, judging by me previous ones, however you made a good piont about the goings on in my life with the robbery and all.. maybe a cousellor to help get through that might be a step in the right direction..
    Love you all
    Thanks so much for your concern and input..
    xx Nene

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