Sunday, November 14, 2010

VOMITTING BLOOD

Well my dear luvlies, let me say, I gave myself a great scare.. Yes, at 11:15pm on Friday night, I was woken from my slumber with a horrible scratchy feeling inside.. kind of in my chest and around my band site area.. I got out of bed to get a drink in hope that it would ease the discomfort.. Sip...sip...sip.. hmmm feel a little pool of coldness gather within my chest... then off I race to the bathroom sink.. gag...gag... up comes the water (bringing up cold water feels kinf of strange dontcha think??) anyway, after the amount of water I drank exited my mouth, I gagged once more and up came a splatter of blood, a generous amount of blood.. so much infact that I thought perhaps bringing up the water had caused my gum to open again (having had 2 teeth removed around a week ago) but no, my gum was fine, no sign of blood coming from there, then up I chuck again.. more blood.. Here I was leaning over the bathroom sink (I cant bare to throw up into a toilet) I was scared, tired, my coochie was itching like a bitch (re- lichen sclerosis) I was thinking please dont be anything serious, I have a big not to mention extremely expensive trip/vacation coming in 2 weeks.. I so dont want anything to happen that could jeapodise it, but most of all I was so scared..I went back to the fridge and got more water, I tried to sip it and see if it would stay down, I felt a gurgle and gagged again, this time my saliva was slightly coloured with blood, but not the deep red from before.. I was too rattled to go back to bed, so I layed on the lounge and watched tv for a while, I kept sipping on water.. Hubby got up when he heard me watching tv.. I asked him what it means when you vomit blood.. he sounded concerned and just said "You need to see a doctor".. I eventually went back to bed, with a million things going though my mind, and found a few hours sleep before having to start work at 5:30am.. Once at work, I had a small flavoured milk, just to try to line my gurgling stomach, but it felt like swallowing razor blades.. But I finally got to thinking... I recalled that not long before going to bed, I took a Folic Acid capsule, and perhaps I didnt take it with enough water.. ANYWAY, I called my band nurse's Emergency number, and as it turns out, she was in another state, but she sent my number to another doctor who could help me.. cutting out the middle crap... I went to this doctors home, and explained what I thought about taking the folic acid capsule before bed.. he said I was right on the money, and that what would have happened was that the capsule had gotten stuck to the lining of my esophogus, and caused swelling, which was the reason for the scratchy discomfort that make me want water, then the swelling wouldnt let the water go down, then the gagging dislodged the capsule from the lining, causing the bleed... THANK GOD thats all it was...So I had an unfill.. I did have 3.5ml in a 5ml band, he took out 2.5ml.. Hello unrestriction... what a feeling of freedom.. but the funny thing is, all I feel like eating if healthy chunky salads and meat.. I have been living on slops because my band was too fricken tight..

So, I hope this is a warning to all banded luvlies out there.. drink lots when taking a capsule.. because they are coated in that plasticy looking shell, they get quite sticky..I'm too scared to ever take one again.

I best end here.. hubby needs to computer to study for his exams.. thank god I get Wifi tomorrow..
xx Nene

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sharing Some Pics

About a year ago, I had a guy approach me in the local super market. He handed me his card and explained that he is a photographer and he would love to photograph Ayisha (my daughter) .. Automatically, I thought, HOLD THE HELL UP!!! creepy.. but after checking out his website, over a few months and then him and his family becoming regular customers to our shop, I got to know him and his family, and realised that they really are lovely and trustworthy peope and that there is no denying that his work is gorgeous.. So, finally after soo long, I arranged an appointment to go and see him at his studio with Ayisha, and whilst we were in there, he was explaining that he does coffe table books to raise money for a kids with cancer charity. And that he would like to feature Ayisha's pictures in a book, if I would allow.. Yada yada yada, then whilst talking about this, he asked if Ayisha had any siblings, and I pointed outside at Montel playing handball on the footpath. The photography (Greg) asked Montel to come inside and he asked me if he could also photograph Montel as well. I said yes, then a few days later we arranged a time and place to have a session. And these were the outcome.





This pic above just sums Montel up so well.. He is a very deep soul. He thinks alot, and it so sensitive.. I love him so dearly



My little bumble bee flolicking on the bushes.. By the end of the session, she was telling the photographer where she wanted to sit or pose and be captured.
If you are amongst my facebook friends, you will probably have seen a whole lot more of these photos from the session. I am so proud of my beautiful babies..
In the last few days since posting, I have had my wisdom tooth and the one next to it, surgically removed.. Fark it has hurt so much, in between taking super strong pain killers.. I'm kind of sad that the pack has run out, and am not eligable to get a repeat prescription.. They were my magical little high pills.. it was good while it lasted. the pain has subsided, and I get my stictches out on Wednesday. All I can say is thank god I got them out when i did, I cant imagine going to my Summerbeats concert with a throbbing swollen mouth.. or worse still flying out of the country with my gum stitched up.. However,I should have saved some pain killer for the flight to make me nice and drowsy. Oh well..
I am also off the anti-depressants.. and glad to be. They were sabotaging my weight loss, and making me feel like a tired lump of sedentary shit, day in day out.. Here's hoping that I can stay above it all, and stay on the up and up.. A new year is a approaching and hopefully i kick this current year away and not look back at it..
Well my lovelies, I am at work, and should really be getting back to it.. Will post again soon, I promise.. I will get my blogging mojo back.. I will..
xx Nene





Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Concerts, Travel and a Problem HooHaa

Hey all, I know I'm still not back at my frequent blogging, But hey, I'm trying.. A couple of weeks ago, I got a fill.. I think I mentioned it in my previous post.. Well I am at a point where I am pissed off with it (restriction) It is still very tight, and I have even managed to PB some ice cream.. (kick my ass for eating ice cream, bad bad bad) but when nothing much else is getting down, I gotta have something in my tum. As for the scales, well I thought with the huge lack of food getting down and staying down that it would have shifted the pesky lil scales downwards, but nope, nada, zip, zappo... I am still struggling to shift the number down by 1kg and keep it down.. its like a damn see-saw. However when I take my focus off the scales I do see in my side profile that my tum is shrinking slightly.. I will continue to suffer with the lack of food, untill the week before I go on my trip, then I will get ALL of my fill removed for whilst I am away.. Lord knows I dont want to have any complications with my band in the middle of Africa.. lol... a place where "Big is beautiful" ... well hold on... it is, but I dont feel it when I am big.. Sooo...
on the 21st of Nov, my fam is getting together for an early christmas, because this is the first Christmas that I will ever have been away at the festive time. We will exchange gifts and have a day around the pool at my parents house with a roast and a bbq.. I will honestly say that I intend to eat up.

Another exciting thing this month... SUMMERBEATS!!! on the 19th Nov, hubby, myself and Montel are going to the Summerbeats concert..Featuring Akon, Flo Rida, Soulja Boy, DJ Nino Brown, Jay Sean, Stan Walker, Ciara and Tracie McCoy... now although I am excited, this was not my first prefference of a concert to go to.. But since not being able to secure the Usher tickets that we so desperately wanted.. they were sold in minutes :( So, to make it up to my lil guy, I surprised him with tickets to this Summerbeats concert.. I am looking forward to 6 hours of noise.. Yay!!!.. I'm sure it will be fun. Heck, I'm only 31, need to take the nanna pyjamas off and get out and boogie..

Oh Oh Oh,, the other day I did something..then thought to myself, I should blog about it.. See, I really am trying to get my blogging groove back.. Now back to what I was doing.... I was taking bites out of food (not telling what it was though , coz it was naughty) and chewing it and spitting it into the bin, it wouldnt have made it past my food nazi band at the moment anyway, BUT I came to the realisation that, unless the food goes down my throat, it doesnt satisfy my craving for it. I may not even be hungry, but still want it to go down.. Do you all get what I mean??? Brings a whole new meaning to the question "Do you prefer to spit or swallow"? ohh bad bad bad..

And now i go below the belt and tell you a problem that I have been sufferring with for a few years now.. A gyno problem.. a problem with my HooHaa... Yes, I went to the gyno after my GP always telling me that it was a dermatitis, it was thrush, it was an allergy.. But no, finally after a farkin biopsy at the gyno, I find out that I have Lichen Sclerosis.. Yes, go on, click on that link, and see what pain and sufferring I go through... is it any fricken wonder I get depression, my fricken coochie is sick, it's depressed, its just plain old sore.. Imagine, every time you pee and need to wipe yourself, it feels like I'm wiping myself with a piece of sand paper, or a grater.. And sex... dont get me started on the pain after sex... and now the gyno informs me that i have slight labial fusion..my inner lips are clinging to my outter ones... blow me farkin down.. So there you have some more insider info on me.. Although I have had this problem for a few years, it does come and go.. but this latest bout has been with me for about 7 months so far. I'm just lucky that hubby is supportive with it..

Well my lovelies, I will end here, as I am at work, and today is Melbourne Cup Day and all the pisshead punters want pies..

xx Nene

Friday, October 15, 2010

A New Goal

Hello my lovlies... Well heres some band news for ya's... I got a fill yesterday.. and now my band is as tight as a fish's arse..Yesss sirrr eeee... I love it.. I have not even thought of eating a pie today.. I have not felt hungry since my cup of tea this morning..
I now have 3.6ml in 5ml band.. I have not had this kind of restriction since I first got banded.. My goal is to be down to 105kg for my trip on 27th nov.. which means I gotta lose 7kg in 6 weeks.. God help me.. But I really want to do this..
When I first was banded, i used to look around and judge those who had been banded and had not been successfull with losing weight.. I would think.. How can you not be losing weight??? WTF are you scoffing down and doing wrong.. Well spank my ass and call me a bitch.. How naive was I?? I now realise that it is quite easy to be banded and not lose weight, and infact even gain weight, as i have this year.. I can sit back and blame the anti depressants, and all the other emotional shit I have been going through.. Which have made me lose sight of many aspects of the weight loss journey.. BUT.. all along, I have so hated being fat, and losing weight was one of the only things that made me so happy and in control of. I am now taking control back and getting into this again. In my first year of being banded, It was my goal to get down to 100kg by my first bandiversary... DIDNT HAPPEN.. but it was only a week after my 1st bandiversary that I had recorded a 40kg loss.. and I was loving it.. but it was almost like as soon as I had hit the 40kg loss, I gave up, and caved in to eating all that was bad for me.
Now I am nearing my 2nd bandiversary, and with willpower, and better food choices and exercise there is hope..
Right now I weigh 112kg.. Lets see where I end up (scalewise) on my 2nd bandiversary.. 29/01/11...

Ohhh, Aussie ladies. I have an idea.. Inspired by "Work In Progress's"post about having B.O.O.B.S get together over here... I am still excited and all for it.. and have thought, if suitable to many of you.. how about we all go on a short P&O cruise.. food, drinks (non-alcoholic) , entertainment and accomodation all inclusive of about $100 per day... and for those who cant get a sitter, could bring the kids or family and use the kids club... Because if you look into accomodation and food , etc a get together would cost us each more than $100 per day... what do you think??? any other ideas???? But of course, I wouldnt be able to afford to do this untill after march next year...

Well time is short right now, and I gotta leave work.. Will post again soon, and share some pics..

xx Nene

Monday, September 13, 2010

SHOP SHOP SHOPPING

Hey there luveeees, I been shoppin.. and shopping.. retail therapy. Gotta love it. Shopping for Ayisha's 5th birthday (which is this wednesday) shopping for our early christmas that we will celebrate here with family before our travel, and shopping for gifts for people that we will see whilst on our travels.. And of course whilst looking for all these things at the shops, I happen to find myself in dress shops, and puchasing some lovely new spring clothes.. Check out one of my latest in the pic below. It was taken yesterday at a friends get together. Not liking the fact that my bra straps we hanging out though.. I really should have paid more attention to detail.. lol

I will have to get some more pics and put them up for your viewing..

I went and had .5ml put back in my band, and I have decent restriction for a change.. however, I would like perhaps another .2 of a ml.. I am really wanting to get down to 100kg before I go away.. This whole waitloss thing is taking alot longer than I anticipated, but I also never expected that my emotional state would change so rapidly either. I am pretty much on top of the depression, but just lately (last few days) I still have had a bit of anxiety (throat constricting, gasping for a deeper breath, tight chest etc..) I will have to have a word with my GP again.. I swear he must get sick of me, I know I get sick of seeing his waiting room..
Things between hubby and I are going fantasticly. I have learnt that life is alot easier if I actually communicate my thoughts and feelings..
I am going to make it my goal for this week to lose 1 kg (at least).. this means.. NO PIES!!! NO CHOCOLATE!!! I never even liked chocolate before being banded.. pies are harder to eat since my fill, but that doesnt stop me from digging away at the guts of it.. bad bad bad.. lol
Well thats all from me now my dears
xx Nene

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I'm still here :)

Hmmm, where to start.. Let me start by thanking those of you who have been supportive of me, and even sending me private messages to check up on me.. You are all too beautiful..
Now, I am starting to think that my lack of blogging and not reading others blogs has contributed to my weight gain, oh also as well as the fact that I have been shovelling all kinds of shit into my mouth at all times of day.. well not all times, how about contantly..
I have completely lost my battle with that bastard pie oven, and to be 100% honest, I have eaten a pie every fricken day for the last few months.. Heck even on my day off, I come into work, just to get one.. Oh when will I find a healthy addiction??? But let me tell you something a little strange.. Almost everything I eat gets stuck.. I can PB 3 times a day.. but once I have done the PB, I can go back and finish a whole foot long sub from subway (salad on it only).. When it comes to food, I am a fricken lost cause.. I made a deal with myself this morning before coming to work that I would not touch the pie oven.. Well guess what, i havent touched the pie oven, but have alreay had a small bag of lollies and a small chocolate heart and a wagon wheel (choc marshmallow cookie).. So I am confused, because i know I need to be having much smaller portions, but everything is getting stuck... I will have to go and see my band nurse...
So thats pretty much all I have to say about my band right now, Oooh, and the fact that I am up to 112kgs... FARK!!!!

Ok, now for the emotional crap... Yes, I am still on the anti depressants..and still have been going to the clinical psychologist.. She is wonderful, and has helped me alot.. Now I believe that I need to tune into helping myself, and realise that a thought it just a thought, and not let it get a hold of me.. I do still have a down day here and there, and perhaps when i get to losing weight again, I will climb higher up the ladder in feeling like my self again.. but as at now, I am able to see the funny side of things again, and enjoy my family and not be so angry all the time..

Now for some new news.. . I'M GOIN ON A TRIP....A BIG TRIP!!!!!! Yes yes yes, myself, hubby and the kids are going to Ghana, West Africa for christmas... tickets are booked, and we leave Brisbane on 27th Nov, and return on 10th Jan.. I am so excited that I could just pee.. Now in my hubby's area, they dont really celebrate Christmas, so we will have an early one here with my family, and the kids will get their pressies then, however "Santa" wont be as generous this year, as this trip is costing a damn fortune.. But most importantly.. my hubby, and of couse the kids and I, will get to see his father one more time.. not to sound nedative, but you see my father-in-law is in his mid 90s , so the chances of us making it back to Ghana again in the next few years are slim. And the fact that my hubby lost his 47 year old brother (lung cancer) and 29 year old sister (heart attack) last year, is proof that time is of the essence, and quality time is needed, and soon.. His father was hit by a car 2 months ago, and was lucky enough to have survived with a dislocated leg, and stitches to his head.. So all I can think, is hold out for us Pops..
Now for those of you that arent on my facebook, you wont have seen this picture below. It was taken at Suncorp Stadium when we went to watch a Soccer/Football Game. Montels junior team did the march past before the game so we got to go for free.. Fun fun fun, but I was too busy watching the drunken observers for the losing team.. they were a little more entertaining..

Ayisha was more interested in her DSi, and I dont know whose ass that is behind me.. lol

Well my dears, I will end here and get to sweeping the grass that the workers have walked through the shop.. luv u all..

xx Nene

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

FEELING A BIT BETTER

Hi there, well finally I have something positive to say.. I kind of feel like I am coming back to the land of the "Living and Functioning" .. I guess it just means that my meds are kicking in and doing their job. Its such a nice feeling to be a little more positive and relaxed. I must also say that Hubby is being great too..
Now that my head in in a clearer space, I need to get focussing on my weight again. I am sitting at 109.4kg as of this morning. Which is only 2 or 3 kg less than what I was on New Years Day this year. My lowest weight this year has been 105.9kg.. So I need to kick my own ass, and choose healtheir foods. Comfort foods, sliders, etc have been my best friend over this mind numbing time. I am now addicted to chocolates and lollies like I never have been before. So not good. BUT I WILL pick my act up, get my band tightened and move on from the naughty foods.

Changing the subject for a minute.. I want to raise something that has been bugging me and has hurt my feelings for a little while now.. I dont know if any of you remember at the beginning of the year, a friend of mine got banded.. this is the same friend that I went on a short holiday getaway with lastyear, with my hubby and our kids as well as her kids.. There are pictures somewhere of it. ANYWAY!!! a couple of months ago, we had organized for my family to go out to her new place for a BBQ to meet her new boyfriend, and so forth.. Now, I know I was wrong in not making contact and cancelling on her, however this is in the time I was starting to sink pretty low and when we spoke on the phone a few days after, she was drunk and I explained that things werent good with me, and it was even affecting my marraige, and that I was terribly sorry for letting her down. ... So at that time on the phone she was ok, and said it was fine because they had other people over anyway. ... Then a couple of days later, I get an email from her accusing me of making excuses and lieing about the state that my marraige is in and so forth, she even want as far as accusing me of being jealous of her weightloss so far...... and then it was that right there that made me think... Some friend? She couldnt know me too freakin well if she could accuse me of that.. obviously doesnt give a crap about my emotional stability or anything else for that matter. I was the one that pushed for her to get the band in the first fricken place.. I havent seen her since she has had it done, because she is too loved up with her new man. It has opened my eyes about a few things, and once again it has brought forward the realisation that TRUE friends are hard to find.
But then that is another story that I have for you all..
There is a lady/customer that comes into work, and she has always been lovely, and concerned about me, as she spotted the difference in me.. She asked for my address and said she may pop over for a coffee.. Then I find out from another customer who lives accross the road from this lady (Lillianne) that she is the friend/neighbor from hell.. She will arrive on the doorstep at any hour of the day, let herself in, arrive quietly, intrude on any personal issues or arguements in the house, try to verbally dicipline your kids.. etc etc.. So, one day i walked in to work, and she was being served by my mum, and she turned to me and said in an accusing voice.. "Just when do you think I can catch you at home?? I have been over 4 times this week.".. I was stunned and mum said "She's a busy girl, it's best to catch her here".
Anyway, fast forward to the next Thursday, (my usual day off), Montel was home sick from school, and we just spent the day at home watching movies.. I just happened to spot Lillianne pulling up slowly out front, about to do a u-turn to park on my side of the street. i had never moved so fast to wind all my blinds shut, and grabbed Montel to come into my bedroom... The next thing I hear is KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, loud enough to wake the dead... then when I think it has stopped, i hear her footsteps down the side of my house, as she walks around to my back door. At the time Montel needs to cough, so i put a pillow in front of his face to block the sound out.. Finally she leaves, leaving me pissed off that she has walked right around my yeard to try to see into my house.. Now as far as I know.. If someone doesnt answer the front door, it's time to leave. Soo, ever since then, I have really been distant from this lady, and I think she is finally getting the hint.. I will never give me address again.. Shhheeeesh, it's nice to have friends, but I dont want to be taken over.. and another thing.. she wants to know the ins and outs of my sex life. When I told her I had gone on anti-depressants, she automatically asked me, if it has affected my sex life....WTF???

As for the dog, I think I forgot to mention, we named her Milly..She really is very sweet, smart, sometimes a bit too mischeivious, BUT she makes me smile.

Tomorrow, i go and see a new Clinical Psychologist. I am sure that this time things will be better. She has alot of great reviews. As it also turns out, the one who robbed me, has her court sentencing tomorrow. I dont have much faith in the justice system here, so i cant say i am confident she will serve time. Who knows.

Well, I will love and leave you all for now. Thank you so much for your support in my time of need..
xx Nene

Friday, July 2, 2010

UPDATE

Hey all, let me get you up to speed on the goings on with me.. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I am also now on anti-depressants, and have been for a few weeks now. I didnt really want to get onto them, but I came to a point where there was no choice. I have been reffered to a pshycologist for treatment, however the one I chose and had my appointment with was absolutely horrible.. I big smelly guy with a filthy couch and pokey, smelly office, who pretty much said that I should quit my job, and that our business has been known for Robbery and hold ups, and that he cant see me making any kind of recovery unless I leave my job.. FUCKING IDIOT!!!! He also said he wanted to hypnotise me, to see if I could go further into detail of the robbery.. He seemed more interested in the fact that it was a female that robbed me, and kept asking if she was a druggo.. anyway enough said.. I am now in search of a half decent psychologist..if there are any..My GP is even considering reporting him, as he seemed very unprofessional, and unhelpful.

Even though I am on this medication, I still am not back to what I was.. I long to feel like I am myself again.. sometimes, I feel like I am on the outside looking in on myself and the goings on around me. I feel numb, I cant seem to laugh, cant cry and find it hard to smile, although I try for the sake of my kids.

On a lighter note.. I have adopted a new puppy.. I was at work, when an old guy came in the shop, and handed her over to me, he said "I just cant keep her, she needs kids to play with"... So guess what??? My kids seemed the perfect candidates.. they have been asking for a dog for the longest time.. I cant help but wonder if she was sent to me somehow.. to help make me feel a bit better emotionally.. Because she has lifted my spirits somewhat..She is about 4 months old, all white, with a couple of light brown spots on her floppy ears.. Apparently, she is a Staffy x Mastiff.... She is ultra sweet, very smart, a bit destructive, and doesnt know when playtime is over, but I think she might be just what we need..



I want to thank those of you that have commented and also privately emailed me.. your concern and care means alot..
xx Nene
P.S .. oh and weight wise... I have gained a few kgs.. I am now 110kg.. FARK!!! but right now, my emotional state of mind is of more importance to me..


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'M STILL AROUND

Hi everyone, sorry I'm still slack with posting, but to be honest, I dont want to come across as a miserable sad sack, and write about negative shit.. So.. I dont write at all.. Because I still feel really down in the dumps. I feel numb.. I cant feel happy or excited and share the joy and delight that my kids bring about. My marraige... ohhh jeez, where to start.. ?? I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and with this depression funk that I am in, it couldnt make it any easier, HOWEVER... he does nothing to make me feel any fricken better.. but it isnt just him that it making my world seem so dark and depressing, it is everything.. my weight, my hair, my clothes, the fact that some asshole ran a trolley into my car in the carpark...

And sometimes my reaction to things goes a little too far, and it is very out of character for me.. Example.. One guy took the parking spot that I had been waiting for for 10 minutes, I pulled up close and had a go at him, I am not a confrontational person... (not the same place that my car was assulted) .. Then the other day Montel was 15 minutes late coming out of school.. So I marched in there, right up to his classroom, where I could then see him coming out, looking a little nervous... I asked him if the new temp. teacher had kept him back for this long... He said yes, and I stormed up there, he asked me not to, but I kept steaming ahead, shaking with anger, I got to her and it went like this
ME - "I dont appreciate my son being kept in the long after the final school bell has rung" (still shaking, and face flushed red, glaring at her like i wanted to rip her apart)
TEACHER - "Who is your son?" (her looking at me like I'm a crazy lady)
ME - "Montel", (stuck for words for a second, and in shock at how i have just burst)
TEACHER - "Where you aware that montel has been misbehaving all week?"
ME - "How can I be aware if you have made no effort to communicate with me"
TEACHER - (speechless for a second)
ME - "Look, I have no problem with you diciplining my son, but do it in his time, not mine. Could you not have kept him in at lunch break? "
TEACHER - "I will do that in future"
ME - "Can I have your email so i can open the lines of communication, I will email you so that you have my email address and we can go from there..
TEACHER - "Yes, Ok, I will email you every day ( looking a little apologetic)

blah blah blah, in that time, i let her know that montel has slight confidence problems, and eating issues, and could she please monitor his lunch eating.. ( Montel brings home his lunch most days)..
Since then, I have received emails updating me on Montels behaviour (which in the first place wasnt that bad, just that he would listen to the class clown and laugh, more than listening to the teacher) She has praised his spelling, and neatness and pride in his work.. I am a proud mama.. However, just to be safe, I do remind him each day to pay attention, and ignore the class fool..

But getting back to my little outburst, it is so out of character for me. I just want to be me again.. I want to see the sunny side of things, I want to feel loved, and feel in love.. be loved, feel beautiful, wanted.. I want to laugh, and dance and have confidence.. To carry out a conversation, and not feel like what I am saying is boring, and of no interest..
Leading up to being banded, it was one of my goals and dreams, was to gain confidence with weightloss.. it seems, I have gotten a bit worse. I so hope it's only temporary..
Sorry to be such a downer guys..
xx Nene

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'M OK

Hey all, sorry it's been a while.. as you may have noticed, last entry I was having a freak out.. Yes I caught hubby out on a lie.. Not really a major lie.. BUT let me get this straight.. I Farkin hate lies..
I have had a month of emotional mess.. weight wise, lacking self confidence, eating shit, bad dreams, feeling ugly.. head lice (thanks kids) , my sisters little guy was in hospital again, so I had her 2 older kids for 4 days. Now I find it hard to keep my cool with the 2 that I have, let alone taking on 2 more.. I do love them dearly, but I cant scream like a banchee at them when they annoy me.. Oh I do sound terrible.. BUT in amongst all the emotional turmoil, and me litterally trashing my bedroom in a flight of anger at hubby, I did manage to have a super fantastic day at Dreamworld.. A theme park on the Gold Coast.. It was so nice to just let go, and enjoy myself for a day. I took my nephew and his girlfriend (both aged 15) and my 2 little angels..everyone was so well behaved, so stress free.. Apart from Ayisha peeing her pants a couple of times.. LOL.. But I was prepared, I took extra knickers for her, as I knew the excitement of it all would be too much for her.. Every time I offered to take her to the toilet, she would tell me she didnt need to go.. I think she really did, but she just didnt want to miss anything. The one time she did tell me that she needed to go, we had just got to the front of the line for a ride, there was really no way out... she had already done half of it in her pants, so I told her to just let it out once we were on the ride.. LOL.. It was a water ride anyway.. lol

Ummm, what else...?? Yeah, i bought the kids a baby budgie bid each, a light blue one for Montel and a pretty pale purple one for Ayisha.. once getting them home, and taking them out of the cage, one flew towards Ayisha, and she shit herself.. Not litterally... but she was so frightened that she said she doesnt want it anymore.. So i guess you could say I have aquired myself a baby budgie.. Montel named his "Trooper" and I named mine & Ayisha's "Peppy" .. they were both only 1 week out of the nest when we got them, so were both really small, Trooper has grown, but Peppy is still small.. Peppy is the fiesty one, and Trooper is really laid back, and calm.. The personalities of these birds suit thier owners ( being that Peppy was bought for Ayisha) lol .. They are both boys, but Montel calls Peppy a girl because he is always kissing Trooper.. I'm cool with that.

Today is another court date mention for the girl who robbed me. I never thought it would affect me so much.. I have been feeling so anxious about it all. I will find out from the public prossicutions office when and if she gets a sentencing date.. it all depends on her Psych evaluation.. yes, she is claiming that she has mental issues.. dont they all??? grrrrrrrrr
The thing that frustrates me so much is that fact that she made me so scared and vulnerable by using the knife so close to my face, when in any other situation if she gave me a hard time in the street or if she didnt have a weapon, I wouldnt think twice about snotting her one.. Now when i even see her sitting in the local bus stop, I gag and retch.. when it comes to her pressence, I have no self control.. and I just hate it.
My doctor says that she thinks I may have Post Traumatic Stress.. and is considering putting me on something to calm me a little.. I just dont want anything that makes me dependant upon it. Or makes me like a zombie. I'll talk to her when I see her for a fill next week.

Well I have dribbled on enough for now, and will post some pics soon.
xx Nene
Thanks to those of you who offered your support

Monday, May 10, 2010

All I have to say is ALL MEN ARE FUCKING BASTARD ASSHOLE LIARS!!!!!
WHY???
xx Nene
Oh yeah, have a nice day

Friday, April 23, 2010

HIDING BEHIND EVERYTHING

I just read Amy's post where she's asked the question of "What do we hide behind?" Hair, Weight, Clothes, Kids Fat??? My answer is... ALL of those things, except Fat.. I have always tried to avoid the fat part being shown..
My Hair- I have always tried to have it looking as best it can, putting it into styles that wont make my face look too round.
Weight- I have always used this as an excuse for not exercising and not doing things that would otherwise put me in the spotlight.. I hate being in the spotlight, I feel very self concious.
Clothes- I have always tried to wear the most updated flattering clothes, always careful of the fitting of garments (no muffin tops, overhanging bra lines) I always try to accentuate what is smallest on me, and hide what is not..
Kids- I think that since having kids, it has made social situations a little easier to deal with when they are with me, as the focus is more on them. I also use them in photos to stand in front of me, to cover my stomach and wide hips.. well pretty much to cover as much of my body as possible.

The thing I love about this shop counter at work is that it is quite high, so customers also dont get much of a view of my body. Having lost a bulk of weight, I still dont have the confidence that I thought that I would gain.. Looking back at a tight size 26, I would have done anything to be a sz 18.. Now, I really dont feel a whole lot different to the way I felt back then.. Perhaps when the weight starts shifting again, I will feel a bit more positive about it.
Even sitting on chairs in public, I prefer a booth seat than a stool or chair.. I dont like the thought of people walking behind and seeing my "saddle bags" hanging over the seat..not pretty.

I have always been very self concious about eating out in eateries.. or self serving at restaurants.. I feel like people are watching and judging what I am loading my plate with. I guess thats why I have always preferred the good old drive thru.. I could always order up nice and big, and sit in the car and scoff my freakin face.. no-one would know, I couldnt be judged and that was how I liked it. But then it came to the point where I was even a bit shy of driving through the drive-thru, because they would begin to recognize my frequency though there, and I knew they must have been thinking... "does this woman ever stop eating??" but they just smiled or smirked ( yes, Monique at the KFC drive through is a condecending bitch) as I drove out. Sometimes Monique would even finish my order with a "Sunkist" though the speaker before she even saw who was ordering.. She knew it was Nene's feeding time again.. knew my voice and my order. Sad state of affairs.

When being banded I knew technically that the weight wouldnt just come off overnight, hell, it took 29 years to put on.. But it didnt stop me from dreaming that one day I would wake up and be happy in my own skin.. I am still waiting for that day... the question is.. Will it ever come??? Probably not, and if it does, it's gonna cost a whole lost more.. Boob job, tummy tuck, veins in legs made invisible ( yes, I have discovered something new about myself to dislike) maybe the veins were always there, just hiding under my layers of fat, it seems that the more weight I have lost, the visible they are becoming.

I am now giving myself untill my birthday next year June 5 2011.. to lost all the weight that I need to in order to look good enough to get me some new boobies. That will be my present to myself for my 32nd birthday... My husband mentioned that a lady at work got her boobs done, and then left her husband.. I wonder if that was an underlying thought in his mind when I mentioned that I want some. I want them for me, and i dont give a damn what anyone else thinks of them.
I just realised it's time for me to finish work.. I shall continue this after the week end, still waiting for my internet to sort itself again...
xx Nene

Have a great week end..

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

UPDATE

Hey everyone, Its been a bit longer than usual between posts.. Stupid download limit has reached it maximum at home, and have been left with dial up speed untill 1st May.. Dammit.. I just dont have the patients to sit by my computer for pages to load.. so instead I have been getting my granny on, and crocheting.. you will find a pic of my latest rug further on in this post. Now check this pic above out.. looks like a little doll from behind...
But tah-dah!!! It's my princess.. I straightened her hair to try to kill the damn head lice eggs.. and this is how it turned out.. Ever felt the hair of a horses tail??? well thats kind of how Ayisha's hair felt when straightened.. But when curly, it's very soft and silky..She thought she was just it, and kept shaking her head from side to side, and posing, like as above.. the very next morning, I washed her hair, I missed the curls. And she was not a happy camper..

Here is my latest rug.. done in the colours of hubby's national flag (Ghana).. it pretty much tops a double bed.. I have started a new pattern in a hot pink.. it's looking good so far.


This one taken of me in the back yard the other day.. I acked the kids to take my pic, and they said I always get the pictures taken inside, so I should go outside.. Montel is my little photographer.. So special in so many ways. Back to the picture.. White is clearly not the colour for me.. I still have alot more weight to lose before being able to get away with wearing a white flowing skirt..But I bought the skirt at kmart for only $8.. I bought it more for comfort than anything else.. Just to wear around the house.. but hubby really liked it, and said I should wear it.. So I did and wore it to work that day.




Here is a side shot
Ok, so yesterday I went to see Dr Duncome and had a fill of half a ml. it has given me some restriction, but I am taking it easy with soft foods right now, because I dont want to have a PB episode. I woke yesterday morning and weighed myself.. 109kg... not farkin happy.. but hopefully now it will go down.. I am going walking this afternoon, rain hail or shine.. I need to set some kind of exercise into my routine.. I have come 4 months into this year and really not lost anything.. just see-sawing up and down over the same few kgs.. So I packed me some salad and a chicken mignon to bring to work, and I will be eating that instead of raiding the pie oven and mindlessly munching on cheese sticks, crisps, salami sticks and what ever else is snackable and bad.. I have stopped drinking coke zero and have started back drinking my weight watchers raspberry cordial.. I just cant bring myself to drink as much water as I am supposed to, so the next best thing is to drop a dash of cordial into it. It's working so far this morning, I am pee'ing like a trooper. Better out than in right??
Now with all this talk about bandsters meeting up in Chicago.. I would so love to go.. But it's just not possible for me at the moment..I would so love to meet so many of you.. Oh well maybe one day at a meeting in the future.
I was talking to my sister yesterday about different foods that I eat now, that I never really was into before.. As she mentioned that she now likes to drink alot of milk, and never really had done prior to banding. I now eat lollies and chocolate.. and ice cream... all the friggin bad things.. but in saying that I am also more adventurous when it comes to trying different foods.
Do you ever have days ( well mine turn into weeks) where you are just sick of every food, and feel like something, but you dont know what... well thats me lately. I have also started as from today to preplan my meals, and try to choose a time to have them.. I think if my plan is more structured, I am less likely to fail..
You see it's my birthday on 5th June.. I would love to be down to 100kg by then.. Hence me getting into the exercise thing with all seriousness.. I am using yesterdays fill to really kick my ass into line. I know I have said this over and over, but now I am at the point where I have been banded for over a year and have not kept a steady run on the weightloss..I dont want to be one of those people that I was so judgmental about when I was first banded.. Shame on me..
Another question.. if you had a day where you could eat Absolutely anything you want without a PB or limit to how much you could eat of it, what would it be??? I'm still thinking of mine.. will get back to you on that one..
I've run out of things to talk about. So I will end here for now
xx Nene




Thursday, April 8, 2010

SOME PICCIES

Hey All, today is such a beautiful day here, so as promised, I took the kids to lunch and then the beach for sandcastle making.. You know, it just isnt as much fun as it used to be. I dont like to get all sandy. I kept washing my feet and hands, and was lost for inspiration.. and geez, I used to be a good castle maker.. I've lost my castle mojo. Me, self portrait at the beach.
I dont like this pic of me above, I look chunky and very wide at the hip.. But I promised to post even pics that I do not like of myself.. so here you have it.. Now in the pic below is how I prefer the angle of my pictures to be taken at.. makes me look alot smaller.. Even though I am not yet tiny tiny.. I cant wait to look that small in full length shots.

Prefer this one

This pic here is at the beach (obviously)... and it is a perfect shot to show just who rules the roost at our house.. lol... nooo, Montel was complaining that it was too bright and glarey, so Ayisha got a towel and promptly placed it over his head. Oh, she's a clever kitten, I tell you.



Ok, moving right along. In this pic, is of course my little pocket rocket, sitting on my last crochet project.. I made it for her, being that she loves Dorothy the Dinosaur from the Wiggles, and she has a pink and green Dorothy bedspread , so I thought I would make her blanket Hot Pink and Green. It is super warm.. And I'm kind of proud of my first effort.. Perfect for dragging out to the lounge in winter, and snuggling up in.
I have a new dilemma, dont stress it's not another break down.. I am just finding that I'm not liking any of the new fashions out in stores at the moment, and trying to find new styles that fit and suit me and my shape.. For so many years, I dressed to cover as much as I could, but now I was to accentuate the areas that I have lost, and still hide that "veranda" (tummy over hang).. So when I am looking for a top that sits on the hip, it can fall a little too short, and show my Rhino Toe.. grrr.. I'll have to stick to dresses a bit longer. But all in all, the colours and styles this season leave alot to be desired, they're just shit. I so wish that I knew how to sew.
Well I'm feeling like raiding the kids easter stash, so I might go pick up my crochet hook, and get to work.. that should keep me in line for a bit. I should have shot that damn easter bunny..
xx Nene






Wednesday, April 7, 2010

BOOBS, SANDCASTLES & SLIDERS

Aunt Flow has been and gone, the miserable feelings are being kicked out the door behind her, and I'm dusting myself off.. Time to get with the program.. Thanks to all of you who commented, and I have taken it all aboard.. Also a very special thanks to "Fat Bastard", thank you for giving me your insight and a male point of view..It is greatly appreciated.. I know sometimes you must read some womens blogs, and think..."Oh the drama".. but I also hope that you read and take in just how life is from a womans side of things.. It may in a way be helpful to you too..

On a positive, the scales are in my corner at the moment.. 106.2kg this morning.. I'm wondering.. HOW?!?! but I'll take it. I am more focused on getting back on track now.. I woke this morning, and weighed myself, happily I got off the scales, and walked to my wardrobe and started trying on some of the things that have been a little snug.. And some of them fit.. thats enough to put a lil bounce in my step today at least..

I was just reading Work In Progress and in her latest post, she mentioned the changes in her breasts. Over the week end whilst having my "Down Time", I realised just how much my breasts have shrunk. Now, my breasts have always been in proportion with my body.. when I was big and fat, so were my titties.. and I guess its only normal that now I am deflating, so are they.. I always longed for a time when my breasts stuck out further than my stomach.. but even with a 40kg loss, this hasnt happened. My nipples look like eyeballs that are looking down to my feet. Sad sad sad.. Even when I try to boost them up into my padded bra, they litterally do fold in at the top, there is no longer that "full breasted look". I know that it's time for me to buy a new bra or 3 or 4, but I am wanting something to make me look like i am packing something in there.. So many bra are minimising, or squash you flat and far apart.. I want some cleavage, its that to much to ask. In the past months, when dreassing, I have been trying to hide, blend or even accessorise what I see as flaws in my body.. i.e my saggy stomach.. but now, I spend more time trying to make it look like I have breasts.
I mean, I know breasts arent the be all and end all of everything, but I feel in some way, that I need some to help me feel a little on the sexy side...and I need aaallllll the help I can get with that.. LOL
Maybe untill I get down and have lost all the weight that I need in order for it to be worth getting implants, I will just have to buy me some rubber chicken fillet looking things and do as I did in primary school... Stuff my bra.

Yay, I am up to 40 followers.. Very excited bout that..

Tomorrow, being Thursday is what Ayisha and I call "The girls day off", on the day we usually hit the shops, and she gets her Baby Chino, whilst I get my Chilla. She hangs for this day all week, and being that it's school holidays, Ayisha told me that it's not the Girls Day off this week, because her brother (Montel) is home, so instead of going to the cafe, She has requested that we go to Sizzler instead, as she knows how much Montel loves it. She is very thoughtfull in that way. So tomorrow we go to Sizzler. Fun! I was also thinking, if the weather is nice, I might take the kids to the beach to build sandcastles. Take some nice pics, then get in and get dirty.. oh how I hate the feel of sand all over my hands, arms, legs, and other orifices.. But I love a good sandcastle with the moat around it, and tunnels throughout.. Or burying my feet deep in the sand then trying to get out. Takes me back in time.

Sally has also mentioned "slider foods".. what are my slider foods?? Hmm, I have become addicted to Cheezles. I think I could eat a whole box if I wanted, well hold up, I do want.. but I know not to. Now I have never been into cheezles or chips of that sort, but only since being banded do I prefer those over the regular potato chips. Another is chocolate. I have also never been much into choccie's or sweets like lollies etc.. but all these seems to work their way into my naughty treats list. Another is ice cream.. Mango and Macadamia Weis Bar.. hmmm. or mango sorbet.. YUM I need to put a stop to the sliders though. Which is why I have been crocheting.. I find that when I am doing a crochet project, I dont snack, and my weight seems to move down.. Maybe that has been a contributor to my loss lately.. I have a lap blanket in the making at the moment..

Anyway. I best get back to work. I keep bopping up and down between customers to get this written, and have lost my train of thought.. Shall be back when I have more to say
xx Nene

Monday, April 5, 2010

Happy Easter Monday

Hello ladies, ohh and gent.. Almost forgot that I have a man on my followers list.. :)
Firstly, I would like to thank those of you who left me the lovely comments of support on my last post. This last 4-5 days has been a really bad time for me. I wonder if i could label it.. A mini break down..
You see, I hold a whole lot inside when it comes to problems within my marraige and life in general. I dont raise the issue when something bothers me about hubby, because I dont like confrontation. So I had so much bottled up inside that I just couldnt for the life of me let out.. Then when I tried, hubby wouldnt let me.. he had "tude".. so I got to the point of exploding inside, and whilst I was feeling lost, I realise that there is also a thing that I am lacking.. Friends... real true friends, a friend that I can confide my all in, and drop in and cry on her shoulder.. I so needed this kind of friend over the last week, and it only got me feeling lower because I realised that I didnt have that.
I had always had a big social life prior to meeting hubby, but once meeting him, I got pregnant a little too fast, and lost most of my friends, because I was no longer able to party with the rest of them. I have had great friends over the years, but I guess I have always invested more of my time in my family (hubby and kids)..
Do you ever feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by people??
Do you ever have so much on your chest, but you just cant put it into words to get it out??

Cut a long story short, I finally wrote hubby a letter, telling him as much as I could about why I wasnt happy, even on there I feel like I was holding back a bit because I didnt want to hurt feelings, of cause confrontation..
I need to get confident, because perhaps if I was, I wouldnt feel so damn insecure.. Arrrgghh,
I told him I need emotional support, and to be included when he makes plans.. He does a fine job of making plans for himself to go out with mates at night, but when it comes to family things, he leaves it to me... orr why cant he organize a night out for me and him.???
Blah blah blah.. I wont go on much about it, or it gets me worked up again.
At the moment, things are ok.. Although, there is a little bit of emotional distance between us.. But the way i see it, It doesnt take alot to make me happy.. and i pull out all stops to try to please him.. hmmm sometimes I wonder why.....*blood pressure raising*

SUBJECT CHANGE

-Finally on wednesday night, Aunt flow arrived.. she has never been so welcomed..

-Easter eve, hubby went out... and Ayisha wouldnt go to bed unless I did.. Soo, I was left hping that I would wake in the middle of the night to do the easter bunny duties. Luckily I did, and go up and put the treats in the kids baskets.. Went back to bed all bleary eyes, and woke in the morning to realise that I hadnt left out Mr. bunny's paw prints.. oops, so I thought and thought and thought.. as quick as I could, what else could I do, then I realised that I also hadnt set up the easter egg hunt in the back garden.. Damn it!!! So as I was digging though the easter egg hunt supplies, I had my arms full and was tiptoe 'ing though the house to the back door when before me stands my little princess, rubbing her eyes, as they are fixed on the easter backets on the floor.. I think quick and turn, telling her to go and do a "wee wee" and wake her brother... off she toddles, and out the back door I go... I ran out, and litterally pegged/threw the assortment of easter eggs and chocolates all over my back lawn... Mission accomplished....
I said that the easter bunny must not have had time to hide all the eggs, because the dogs next door must have barked and scared him.. So the kids went and gathered their choccies from the grass.
Ayisha asked why there were no "foot prints", and I told her that the bunny must have wiped his feet this time. She was happy with that explanation..

BANDSTUFF
not only has this band help me lose the weight that I never could have lost otherwise, it has linked me up with some truely wonderful people (yourselves) and even at my lowest, when I posted my last post.. I turned to you all.. because your support is one thing that I can truely count on.

Oh I have also got back down to 106.6kg this week too.. Which really is strange, because of my shitty eating.. So in a week, I have gone from 109kg down to this 106.6.. woohoo.. now that it has come back down.. time for that fill.. No more pies for Nene.. No sireee
I did however have a bad bad bad PB episode on a chunky beef pie, whilst at work the other day.. so not good.

My sister is going for her first check up this week. She seems to be doing very well.. She has already been stuck a few times, which I think is naughty, because she should be watching what she's eating.. and she's not. Hot Cross buns, and Chicken Ceasar Wraps from macca's, need I say more. ??? Bad bad bad girl..lol.. oh and Ashton got out of hospital again on Friday.. he is doing ok.. just have to watch him with a simple cold or viral thing.. As he was born so premature, his lungs are weaker than a child that was born at full term, so this is why he gets such a hard time of it.

Anyway, I should be getting ready to shut this ghost town of a shop.. Everyone else is out enjoying their easter long week end... so I'm shutting early, coz I want to get to enjoying it to..

♥ you all
and thanks for putting up with my rubbish... seems someone got sick of it, I lost a follower..LOL.. oh well, this is me, as I am.
xx Nene

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy easter

Well Happy Farkin Easter to me... My marraige is in the shit pit, I am at the depth of depression, and the only fricken light at the end of my rainbow is Aunt Flow arrived.. THANK GOD!!!!

I guess the only thing for me to do is make sure my kids have a nice easter.. Now excuse me whilst I go and fill a tub with chocolate and drown in it..

Happy Easter Everyone..
I'll be back when I have my life sorted
xx Nene

Thursday, April 1, 2010

LOOK HOW SMART I AM... ha ha

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated, and happy.


Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”
xx Nene

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

SUCKS TO BE A WOMAN

Today I woke up hating the world.. yes, it's that time of the month for me.. Well it should be, but it's not, and I am worried.. I was stupid through the month and missed a pill twice.. 2 in 2 weeks.. Oh shit... I am hoping that its just my hormones playing about, and not a damn easter bun in the oven.. Now I know by saying this, It may sound a little insensitive to those who cannot fall pregnant, or have very private reasons.. And believe me, I have been in that boat.. I tried for a few years to have Ayisha and had to get fertility treatment. Hence the reasoon for the bigger age gap between my 2 kids.. But now is my turn to be selfish, and have MY TIME.. because i sure as hell dont get enough of that..
A perfect example... 2 days ago, I had the urge for a #2 (bowel movement) whilst at work, now when I work, I am on my own, and cannot race out back in between customers to "evacuate the system" ... sooo I had to hold on for a couple of hours.. deep breathing, and a rock hard stomach, is so uncomfortable... then I get home with intention to run to the loo, but I get a phone call... it's my sister, informing me that Baby Ashton is back in hospital, and could i look after her daughter for the night?? ... noo problemo.. Now, just let me go to the crapper.. please... but nooo, then I realised that I had to feed my kids, after slapping a frozen meal in the microwave for Montel, and Ayisha's weird request for porridge is filled ( yes my kids do usually have better food than this.. lol)... anyway, by this time my stomach is making all kinds of noises, screaming at me, to fix the problem. Then, when making my way to the toilet, my sis arrives with her daughter... fills me in on Ashton and leaves.. time to make Breanna's bed, and get her settled... then and only then, can I make my way to the privacy on my ensuite toilet... So there you have it, even the simple task of taking a shit goes on hold because I have kids and a husband and a job to deal with..
MY TIME also because I have stretched my body enough already having had the 2 kids, and being overweight all my life.. I want it to shrink, not grow. The time is not right for me, so i am really hoping that "aunt flow" comes to visit real soon.
I mean this could explain my world hating mood right now, and depressive moods lately.. but usually I am PMSíng a week before they're due.. Who know's , will no doubt keep you all posted...
WHY dont men have to put up with this shit?? they get all the joy in things.. Get it up, stick it in, dump their load, go to sleep, go to work, be fed, shower, shit, shave and all the things that men can do whenever the fricken hell they want.. there's no waiting for several hours to take a shit in my husbands world.. grrrrrrrrrr
Feeling like this makes me eat, and right now, I just got up and got myself a caramello chocolate koala out of the shop fridge and and mindlessly munching it down, really quite without care for what it will make the bastard scales tell me in the morning.. I'll deal with it then..
I think right now it might be best for me to stop with this post before you all think I am some mental case, well some of you may already think that way.. just consider this my monthly melt down..I'm off to drool over the pie oven..
xx Nene

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

THANKS GIRLS

First and formost, I want to give a very big thank you to the lovely "WorkInProgress" I know your name, but not sure if you wanted it put out there :), and the beautiful Sally from "Ramblings From The Other Side", for sending me the lovely swimsuit and 2 pairs of capris.. You both are truely wonderful. I am very greatful.. Now I would have loved to post pics of myself wearing these items, however, it has gone to two extremes... The bathing suit is a little too big, but my sis will love it... and the capris are too small. (Sob sob sob)... I couldnt fricken believe it.. I wear a sz 18 pants from Crossroads, no problem at all.. but I couldnt get these capri's up over my big fat dimpled ass... DAMMIT... shit shit shit... Oh well, at least I will get wear out of them when I do fricken fit into them.. Gotta look on the bright side. Its all my own fault, I really should have had my band tightened.. I am seriously self sabotaging.. my weight has gone up by 2kg in the last month.. I cant believe how much I can eat..you will see for yourself in the pics below..
In this pic above, I took a friend (one of our employees) out for lunch. She chose a Chinese restaurant, and I ordered a Shandy (a mix of everything).. As pictured above and below.. I like how tiny I look in the pic above..
Hmmm food... I ate about 2/3 of this plate of food... a bit too much I say.. Mind you, I could barely walk out to the car afterwards.

Ayisha and Montel attended a dress up birthday party last friday night.. Just had to show you my little princess all dolled up. Aint she sweet...


OOhhhkey Dooohkeeey... Check out the mess I made of my damn fringe... It started as a splice style fringe trim (self cut) and I overcut it, then had to straighten the style because of the overcutting.. All in all, I screwed up big time.. now i have to change my side part, and or pin it back till it grows again.. FARK!!! makes my face look far too round..
I really wanted to post a bit more today, but my head is throbbing.. you see I went to the shops today whilst out to lunch with Lynne, and saw the perfume that I thought I liked.. So I greedily sprayed the tester of it all over me... BIG MISTAKE.. it was the wrong one, and ever since I have had a rotten headache.. Serves me right.. next time I'll use the tester cards and put it in my knicker drawer.
xx Nene



Tuesday, March 23, 2010

JIBBER JABBER

Wow, what a busy week end.. I truely feel like I live the life of an old lady when my boring routine is shook up, and we have a jam packed week end. Ibee (our visitor) has flown on to Sydney before returning to the U.K, and although it was so nice to entertain a visitor, I am quietly relieved that it's over. Ibee is one of the nicest guys you will meet, and is welcome anytime, but it takes alot out of a person to be on constant alert to cater for the guests needs.. It was very exciting though, because in the whole time that hubby has been in Australia (since nov 1999) this is the first visitor he has had. So it was special, and I went above and beyond to make sure it went well. One thing is for sure though.. It sure is frustrating to live through a week end of constant "jibber jabber".. (the guys speaking their language) ... it can make a person feel a little uncomfortable at times, because they can be talking of ANYTHING!!! , and from what hubby sometimes tells me of conversations he has had with friends before, right in front of me.. I am shocked that even their concience will let them speak it, even though they know we cant understand it. Oh how I wish I knew a language that my man didnt understand. But then I guess I do.. it's called P.M.S... lol, but back to the jibber jabber, When we went out to our fave restaurant (the night we went to the casino).. I was there with the guys, whilst waiting for the wife of one of them (she's aussie), she was late coming to meet us from work, and these 3 guys (Hubby, Ibee & and another friend who lives local, but is from their country) spoke constantly in their lingo.. I have naver felt so alone in the company of others.. I knew not to take offence, and didnt.. but was glad when Sarah arrived so I had someone to talk to. I could only play with my phone for so much longer..
Anyway enough about that..

We went to the Gold Coast on sunday, and I said I would take some pics.. I did, but none were taken of me, so I dont really have any to post that would be of much interest to any of you. Just some simple snaps for Ibee since his camera battery went flat.

I want to say welcome to my new followers and that there are a couple of you who are on the verge of being banded.. I wish you the best of luck, and just know, you are making a great decision.

Guess what just happened... I thought I would take a break from this post to think of something more to say, and in this break I decided that I was feeling a bit peckish, so the tug of war went like this... "will I have a pie or the piece of sushi that I brought in with me to have for lunch??... hmmm, i really want the pie, but the sushi is less fattening... ok, sushi it is.. " I then carefully cut it into smaller bite size pieces, then add a few drops of soy sauce to each piece.. One piece, hmm goes down well.. feels great coz it's been soo long since I was able to eat it.. Then, the second one... uhh oh... It's fricken stuck.. "I should have had the damn pie!!!" and now I keep burping up terrible tasting seaweed paper that the sushi was wrapped in.. I guess this will cure me of my sushi cravings.
There are now quite a few foods that I no longer like as a result of having a bad PB episode with them.. but one thing that I will never turn against is hot chips/fries.. I can spew those things up till the cows come home, but i will never get sick of them. They are so bad for me, but they are one addiction I cant ever give up.. I just need to make sure I get my band tightened enough to not be able to eat them.
Speaking of tightening, I have made an appointment to get a fill for next monday.. I am looking forward to having some restriction.
Ok, the sushi gate has opened.. it just went down, I dont think I will be attempting any more of that for a while.

I have a bit of a job ahead of me this week end.. I am switching my kids rooms around.. you see montel refuses to sleep in his own room. Yes, a 10 year old boy prefers to sleep in his 4 year old sisters room, all wrapped up in her dorothy the dinosaur bed covers.. If I put my foot down, and demand that he sleep in his own room, he wont sleep in his bed, he will lay on the floor.. (We have hard wood floors)... I just cant figure out why... I ask him, and he says his room is "boring and he doesnt like it".. but I just know it goes deeper than that..
So I am taking everything out of his room, and swapping it into Ayisha's room. He happily goes to bed in there. Ohh the pressures and stresses of parenthood. If this doesnt work, I dont know what to do next..

Anyway, best get back to work.. The lunch rush is on, and here's hoping these pies all sell, before my temptations gets the better of me.
xx Nene

Saturday, March 20, 2010

THE WEEK END IS HERE + Pics

Hey all, Just a quick post, am very tired from having gone out lastnight. I am running on empty (not my guts though, thats nice and fricken full, a lil too full if you ask me) I've had 3 hours sleep in 2 days, and feel like several different shades of shit.. I mean, I wouldnt mind feeling like this if I actually drank copious amount of alcohol, BUT I didn't.. Noooo not me, piss head from way back.. I'm sure if I told my girls from back in the day that I hit the city and didnt get roaring drunk, they would want to take my temp or possibly give me a pregnancy test.. Nope, I'm not sick, and over my dead body will I be getting pregnant any time soon. (I'll happly go along doing the baby making exercises though hehe).. The reason I didnt drink or even get tipsy.. No one in the group that I went with drink. Nor do they gamble, and where did we go??? A farkin Casino... it was boring as hell, I just watched as pissed ( Drunk ) people slipped money into the machines that would inevitably send them home broke.. I would happily hum a few tunes and wear flashing lights if they would slip their dollar bills ito my pockets.. We then went on to a small R&B club, I played a few rounds of pool, and kicked butt.. :)Above, Me with Sara, outside the Casino.. I look like a heffer.. Dont like this pic at all, but I am going to try to not cover up my ugly shots anymore.. Honesty IS the best policy.. If I can get comfortable enough to share my ... not so good.. pics with you, it may help in this shitty battle of self confidence I have.
This pic is kind of random.. but I'm hoping it will put a pic to how I feel. See the big yellow house standing out amongst all the other ordinary blocks of apartments.. ??? This is how I feel when in a crowd or group of people.. I feel like I cant hide or blend in.. I still, in a way feel like I am a big old hot air balloon parked next to a pretty bunch of birthday helium ballons.. Ohhhh, I hope you get what I mean.. By the way this pic I took for another reason/story to tell you, but have forgotten why.. It is not too far from where I live.

ME!!!
I love this photo.. you know why.. #1, I dont have make up plastered over my face and feel ok about it, and #2 I think I look pretty small at that angle.. I know it is taken at a flattering angle too though.. But hey, it's not often I come across a pic of me without makeup on that I like. (sounds like a step in the right direction) Mind the hairy pit.. few day old armpit stubble.. ewwww
Now.. I have a question.. for those of you that have been banded long enough to have lost a substantial amount of weight.. Do you get itchy under your titties and cleavage??? I have been scratching the shit out of mine, and it seems to be bringing about some small stretch marks.. dammit dammit.. also on my saddle bags too (extra meat at the sides of my ass/hips).. so itchy that I scratch till it bleeds.. could this itching be from shrinkage?? or should I go see a damn doctor?? lol
Speaking of seeing doctors.. I am going to call and book in for a fill ASAP this week.. I am getting just a wee bit carried away in the food department. I ate fresh white bread today.. WTF?!?! allbeit slowly, but it got down.. I have also not got on the scales today.. i am simply avoiding heartache.. Yes, I have let myself go.. But I will catch myself up this week. But I will say that with hubby's friend being here, I have been working my ass off to be a "good wifey"... and feeding and entertaining the guy.. He is a lovely guy, so it comes easy. But in doing this I have found that I dont think of food as much.. I guess that means I need to have my life running at a busier pace in order for me to forget about food sometimes.
Well, Montel is asking questions as to why I am typing so much and what it's about, because he wants to use the computer.. and I want to go and take a shower whilst scratching my tits..
Night All/ Goopd Morning to the rest of you..We're off to the Gold Coast tomorrow.. I want to hit up the carrara markets and find me some goodies.. Oh and of course some birthday presents for Montel (turning 10 this thurday) Will be sure to take some more pics..
xx Nene




Thursday, March 18, 2010

SISTER UPDATE

Get this.. My sister has already lost 15kgs (33lb).. Haw fantastic is that!!!!! I am so happy for her. This weightloss is since she started her 2 weeks of optifast prior to banding.. She's gonna kick my ass in the weight war. Time to get into action..
Meanwhile, I got on the scales this morning, and alarmingly it read 109.3!!! Ohh lordy, but then I went and "dropped the kids at the pool" (poo poo'd) and weighed again.. this time 108.3kg.. that was some seriously heavy poop.. Ok, gross time over
xx Nene

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

UPDATE

Hey everyone, it's been a bit since I posted.. My sis is going ok, she has suffered a little with breathlessness, and indigestion feelings, and slight gas pains in her shoulder.. I spoke with her this morning, and she is feeling a tad better.. It's amazing how quickly I have forgotten what being banded in the first few weeks was like. Ashton is also going great, Tracey said it was like he is a new little guy since coming out of hospital.. I said, maybe it straightened him out, and made him realise that life on the outside is so much better.. LOL..

I didnt go to my friends party, although it looked like they all had a great time. But you know what, I'm glad I didnt go. I also had a great time at home with my own little family.
This Friday we have one of my husbands good friends coming to visit us from the UK.. I am looking forward to finally meeting him, as I have spoken to him so much over the years on the phone, and even my parents have met him, but not I. He showed them around Thailand 8 years ago when they went there on holiday. He lands in Brisbane on friday morning, but the downside is..we have a cyclone approaching.. So it looks like the weather is going to be shit.. DAMMIT, this guy is coming from a miserable winter in the UK, and now to this..Fingers crossed this cyclone blows back out to sea..

Band news.. Meh... I have been eating very bad choice foods since getting some unfil.. And as the saying goes.. well my saying goes "Eat shit = Feel like Shit" ... AND.. of course put on weight.. Yes, I have pudged back up to 108.3kgs... FAAARRK!!!! But I only have myself to blame. And I know it's an excuse, but I'm not going back in for a fill untill hubby's friend has gone back, which will probably be late next week. I'm not going to act like the model bandster, because as you all know, I am far from that with my lack of will power in my ongoing fight against the pie oven..
I can eat a 6 inch subway sub. And I sooo shouldnt be able to, should I?? I'm not gonna beat myslelf up over it. I know where I'm going wrong, and will fix it up soon.

It is amazing how much more in tune I am with my weight though. I pretty much know and can feel without even looking at the scales if I have lost or gained even half a kg (1lb)..Before the band, I could pack on a few kgs, and lie to myself that I was still the same. I guess, back then I didnt overly care or want to know.

I am still kind of struggling with the self insecurity thing though.. It's not been that big of an issue in the past months, but in the last couple of weeks, I've been kind of struggling to feel good about myself.. but then that all leads back to me gaining weight and eating crap again..
On the upside, I have noticed when giving change and serving customers that my hands and wrists look a whole lot slimmer.. I can no longer wear my rings (I feel naked without them) I was handing out change, and my ring fell into the customers hand.. I snatched it back so fast. I will get them resized when I get down far enough to know I wont be needing to resize them again. They are so friggen big, I reckon Ayisha could hoola hoop with them. Speaking of hoola hoops, have any of you tried the Wii Fit hoola hoop exercises?.. I never thought something like that could give you such a good work out.. if nothing else, it might give you a few extra moves for those "extra cirricular activies" after dark, or for any time of day for that matter..

Oh Amy W, if you read this, I have given my sister your blog address to read about your "Whootananny, turkey, troll shaving post" she was in need of a good giggle, and I thought , what better way.. I have never read anything so funny and real, ever..

I also want to say that it is so good to see guys blogging about their experiences with being banded and weightloss. I am in the process of convincing my uncle (Mum's twin brother) to get banded. And with these guys putting it out there, it's easy for my uncle to be able to have a read and relate on some level.. So guys, keep up the good work.

Hopefully with hubbys friend being here, we will be going on outtings and I will take lots of lovely shots (with my new cam of course) for you all to see, that is if the weather doesnt blow us off yonda. I have taken the week end off work for this occassion. I havent had a full week end off since mid last year.. But I doubt any sleep ins are gonna happen. I'l be up cooking breakfast for everyone no doubt. Either way, it beats serving scruffy bed creases people coming in to buy the paper with their smelly morning breath. UUuugghhhh... Gag gag gag.. I swear, they must roll out of bed, scratch their balls, have a pee, wait for their morning mongrel to subside then venture off to our shop... not even having washed their faces or even rinsing their rotten mouths out.. filthy bastards.. lol Ok enough of my ranting.
Have yourselves a great day..
xx Nene

Friday, March 12, 2010

Too Shy To Party

Below you will see a picture of me and my friend Kelly (Taken on her 30th birthday May 2009).. anyway.. She is having a themed party this saturday night. The theme is Fugly Dresses and the party is Adult Toys Etc.. Which would be really fun to go to, but I am decling the invitation as I feel a little intimidated by some of the girls going to it.. Alot of them went to the same high school, as we did, but I never really associated with them at school (I left school at the end of grade 10, and Kelly stayed on a bit longer), and even on the night this picture was taken on Kelly's birthday, I was getting all kinds of bitchy looks from a few of them.. A few of these girls were very slim/sporty at school, and now are bigger than me.. My friend Kelly made a point of saying to me what I should come and flaunt my new body, but even though I know I do look better than some of them now, I have a slight insecurity. I so hope this will fix with time.. I guess I could book a party and host my own as a favour for not going.. I do feel most comfortable on my own terms at my own home.. xx Nene

SNAPPIN' WITH MY NEW CAMERA (pics of my babies)

Why is is that when I want to take some new shots of myself, they turn out not so good, and I dont want to share them.. Maybe I'm trying to hard... blahh who knows, but I thought I would share a pic of each of my kids taken with my new camera. My Gorgeous Boy Montel, I adore his dimples.
As if butter wouldnt melt in her mouth, yeah right... Ayisha
Now a funny story to tell.. The other night I was sitting watching "16 and Pregnant"on MTV and Ayisha came out and said "I had a baby come out of my Moo Moo too". (She calls her privates, a Moo Moo).. I lost all composure and laughed so hard.. She was so serious when she said it, that when I laughed, she got embarrased and ran to her room. Some of the things she says never cease to amaze and sometimes embarrass me, depending on where we are.. For example, we were in Kmart yesterday after our Gloria jean stop, and she says quite loudly, "There's those sexy line undies that go up your bum that you bought the other day" (Meaning my new Gstring) I noticed a few people giggling.. I hightailed it out of there pronto.
I remember once, I had Montel in the trolley and he was complaining of something, and I called him a hypocondriac.. he said "I'm not a hungy rat".. the things kids say... Gotta love 'em.
xx Nene



Thursday, March 11, 2010

BABY HOME, SIS RECOVERING & GIRLS GET THEIR SIP ON

Hey All, Great News!!! Ashton is out of hospital, and slowly getting better, and my sisters banding was a success. I will however say, she is still in quite some pain, and feeling like shehas some serious indigestion and is a little breathless. I have assured her that she will be feeling better real soon. I took some before shots of her the night before sugery.. I will however have to ask her permission to post them.. She is alot more private than I.. lol. So all is good as at now. Today was "The Girls Day Off" as Ayisha likes to call it. So after having my nan (grandma) over to dye her hair.. (the road rage granny) We went to the local shopping centre and stopped at Gloria Jeans for a treat. Ayisha has a kiddy chino and I had my fave... Tim Tam Chilla, on skinny milk with cream and caramel sauce on top.. Kind of a contradiction.. made on skinny, but topped with cream..ha ha, but thats how I roll.. Yes, I was the one who used to go through Kfc or Mcdonalds and ask for a diet coke..But in all honesty, I always have prefered skinny milk, not just because it claims to be less fattening. Ayisha enjoying her Baby Chino with sprinkles of course :), as you can see, she is such a lil lady, enjoying a mag whilst at the cafe.
My Chilla, next to her tiny cup.. Ohh, if you havent tried the tim tam chilla, you really must. Usually, I dont go for sickly drinks, but this one isnt.. I watched them make it.. A cup of ice, a bit of milk, 2 tim tams (Aussie Icon Chocolate Biscuits) bit of chocolate powder, all blended up to make a cup of icy chocolately goodness. YUM!!! Probably not what I should be recommending on this "Weight Loss Blog".. Once again, bit of a contradiction.
Ohh, as I mentioned I wanted to get myself a body wrap from my 1 year bandiversary.. Well I didnt. But you know what I did get???!!!??? A new camera.. Yes, a very nice new camera.. Panasonic Lumix DMC-FH3... 14 Mega Pixels 5x Zoom, wide angle lense.etc.. All the better to take some new picces for you all. At least when I go away at the end of the year, I will be able to snap some gorgeous pics. And buying a camera instead of a body wrap, well at least i will have something to show for my money. A gift that keeps on giving I reckon :)..
Anyway, I have been a bit slack on blog following lately, I will try to get my mojo back, but I am sure you can appreciate why I have been side tracked.
Have a great day/night
xx Nene

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

UPDATE

Hi Everyone, first and formost, thank you to those of you who offered your best wishes.. As at now, Baby Ashton is still in hospital, his oxygen levels are still up and down, and just when we think he is getting better and ready to go home, he hits an all time low and has more of a set back.. Soo, right now as I type this post, my sister would be in the operating theatre getting her band installed.. Her partner (Ashtons' Daddy Damien) is at the local hospital staying by their baby's side, whilst I will be on hand to support my sister. She is in a hospital in the city.. About 30 mins away from home. I am also looking after my neice (9 yrs old) so Damien doesnt have to leave Ashton. It's taken alot of fine tuning and routine changing, but I am so glad that my sister is getting this done. I have warned her that in the first week, she may begin to wonder "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS??" but when the discomfort is over, she will be glad she did.

I went with Tracey to see the surgeon yesterday, who is also the surgeon who did mine (Blair Bowden, www.blairbowden.com.au) It was the first time I had seen him since my 4 week check up. So he said that I was looking good, and progressing well, blah blah blah, although when I was on the lift going up to his office, I was sucking my tummy in and wishing I had more of a weightloss to boast of. Oh well, he seemed impressed anyway. I wasnt there for me, I was there to support my sister.
I cant wait to see her progress, and I just know she will do so well with this band. Probably even better than I have.. She's alot more focused than I ever have been. Speaking of which, i really need to get back in to Dr Duncombe and get about half a ml fill.. It seems, I can eat just a bit too much at the moment..Although, my weight hasnt gone up any.. thank god..
Maybe when she is getting through the liquids and mushys, I will try curbing my bad eating and snacking ways too..Gotta get back to the plan..
Anyway, I really must go, and i will keep you all posted..
Thanks Again everyone..
xx Nene

Friday, March 5, 2010

SAY A PRAYER

I am by no means a religious person.. And I guess I sound a bit hypocritical by saying that I am praying, and asking all of you to help me out with well wishes and prayers for my precious nephew.. His name is Ashton, he was born 2 months early , a week before I was banded.. It was so scary at the time, as we thought that we may lose not only little Ashton, but my sister too.. She had placenta previa, and what she thought were contractions, was actually the placenta rupturing.. Had they not done the emergency c-section when they did, both mother and baby would have died within a scarily short time. In the last year, Ashton has thrived, and grown into the most gorgeous chubby little boy.. I call him my little Ginger Ninja.. He has inherited my sisters red hair. He has the most captivating blue eyes.. I love this little guy to bits.. Which brings me to the reason why I need your prayers..
Throughout lastnight, he started having trouble breathing.. My sister thought it was from his blocked nose (minor cold stuff).. then this morning, he threw up a few times, fast forward to this afternoon, after having spent the morning in the ER, he has been diagnosed with Pneumonia, Bronchitis and a collapsed lung... How much can our precious little guy take???
Ashton 1 week after birth in the arms of my sister..
Just look at those eyes.. Big boy now..

My Little Ginger Ninja
To make matters worse, my sister is booked in to have her band done on tuesday..After all the trouble she has had with the Super Fund..I guess now it all depends on the health of our boy as to whether she goes though with it, as if she doesnt, she will have to wait untill the next vacancy in June..
xxNene