Friday, April 23, 2010

HIDING BEHIND EVERYTHING

I just read Amy's post where she's asked the question of "What do we hide behind?" Hair, Weight, Clothes, Kids Fat??? My answer is... ALL of those things, except Fat.. I have always tried to avoid the fat part being shown..
My Hair- I have always tried to have it looking as best it can, putting it into styles that wont make my face look too round.
Weight- I have always used this as an excuse for not exercising and not doing things that would otherwise put me in the spotlight.. I hate being in the spotlight, I feel very self concious.
Clothes- I have always tried to wear the most updated flattering clothes, always careful of the fitting of garments (no muffin tops, overhanging bra lines) I always try to accentuate what is smallest on me, and hide what is not..
Kids- I think that since having kids, it has made social situations a little easier to deal with when they are with me, as the focus is more on them. I also use them in photos to stand in front of me, to cover my stomach and wide hips.. well pretty much to cover as much of my body as possible.

The thing I love about this shop counter at work is that it is quite high, so customers also dont get much of a view of my body. Having lost a bulk of weight, I still dont have the confidence that I thought that I would gain.. Looking back at a tight size 26, I would have done anything to be a sz 18.. Now, I really dont feel a whole lot different to the way I felt back then.. Perhaps when the weight starts shifting again, I will feel a bit more positive about it.
Even sitting on chairs in public, I prefer a booth seat than a stool or chair.. I dont like the thought of people walking behind and seeing my "saddle bags" hanging over the seat..not pretty.

I have always been very self concious about eating out in eateries.. or self serving at restaurants.. I feel like people are watching and judging what I am loading my plate with. I guess thats why I have always preferred the good old drive thru.. I could always order up nice and big, and sit in the car and scoff my freakin face.. no-one would know, I couldnt be judged and that was how I liked it. But then it came to the point where I was even a bit shy of driving through the drive-thru, because they would begin to recognize my frequency though there, and I knew they must have been thinking... "does this woman ever stop eating??" but they just smiled or smirked ( yes, Monique at the KFC drive through is a condecending bitch) as I drove out. Sometimes Monique would even finish my order with a "Sunkist" though the speaker before she even saw who was ordering.. She knew it was Nene's feeding time again.. knew my voice and my order. Sad state of affairs.

When being banded I knew technically that the weight wouldnt just come off overnight, hell, it took 29 years to put on.. But it didnt stop me from dreaming that one day I would wake up and be happy in my own skin.. I am still waiting for that day... the question is.. Will it ever come??? Probably not, and if it does, it's gonna cost a whole lost more.. Boob job, tummy tuck, veins in legs made invisible ( yes, I have discovered something new about myself to dislike) maybe the veins were always there, just hiding under my layers of fat, it seems that the more weight I have lost, the visible they are becoming.

I am now giving myself untill my birthday next year June 5 2011.. to lost all the weight that I need to in order to look good enough to get me some new boobies. That will be my present to myself for my 32nd birthday... My husband mentioned that a lady at work got her boobs done, and then left her husband.. I wonder if that was an underlying thought in his mind when I mentioned that I want some. I want them for me, and i dont give a damn what anyone else thinks of them.
I just realised it's time for me to finish work.. I shall continue this after the week end, still waiting for my internet to sort itself again...
xx Nene

Have a great week end..

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

UPDATE

Hey everyone, Its been a bit longer than usual between posts.. Stupid download limit has reached it maximum at home, and have been left with dial up speed untill 1st May.. Dammit.. I just dont have the patients to sit by my computer for pages to load.. so instead I have been getting my granny on, and crocheting.. you will find a pic of my latest rug further on in this post. Now check this pic above out.. looks like a little doll from behind...
But tah-dah!!! It's my princess.. I straightened her hair to try to kill the damn head lice eggs.. and this is how it turned out.. Ever felt the hair of a horses tail??? well thats kind of how Ayisha's hair felt when straightened.. But when curly, it's very soft and silky..She thought she was just it, and kept shaking her head from side to side, and posing, like as above.. the very next morning, I washed her hair, I missed the curls. And she was not a happy camper..

Here is my latest rug.. done in the colours of hubby's national flag (Ghana).. it pretty much tops a double bed.. I have started a new pattern in a hot pink.. it's looking good so far.


This one taken of me in the back yard the other day.. I acked the kids to take my pic, and they said I always get the pictures taken inside, so I should go outside.. Montel is my little photographer.. So special in so many ways. Back to the picture.. White is clearly not the colour for me.. I still have alot more weight to lose before being able to get away with wearing a white flowing skirt..But I bought the skirt at kmart for only $8.. I bought it more for comfort than anything else.. Just to wear around the house.. but hubby really liked it, and said I should wear it.. So I did and wore it to work that day.




Here is a side shot
Ok, so yesterday I went to see Dr Duncome and had a fill of half a ml. it has given me some restriction, but I am taking it easy with soft foods right now, because I dont want to have a PB episode. I woke yesterday morning and weighed myself.. 109kg... not farkin happy.. but hopefully now it will go down.. I am going walking this afternoon, rain hail or shine.. I need to set some kind of exercise into my routine.. I have come 4 months into this year and really not lost anything.. just see-sawing up and down over the same few kgs.. So I packed me some salad and a chicken mignon to bring to work, and I will be eating that instead of raiding the pie oven and mindlessly munching on cheese sticks, crisps, salami sticks and what ever else is snackable and bad.. I have stopped drinking coke zero and have started back drinking my weight watchers raspberry cordial.. I just cant bring myself to drink as much water as I am supposed to, so the next best thing is to drop a dash of cordial into it. It's working so far this morning, I am pee'ing like a trooper. Better out than in right??
Now with all this talk about bandsters meeting up in Chicago.. I would so love to go.. But it's just not possible for me at the moment..I would so love to meet so many of you.. Oh well maybe one day at a meeting in the future.
I was talking to my sister yesterday about different foods that I eat now, that I never really was into before.. As she mentioned that she now likes to drink alot of milk, and never really had done prior to banding. I now eat lollies and chocolate.. and ice cream... all the friggin bad things.. but in saying that I am also more adventurous when it comes to trying different foods.
Do you ever have days ( well mine turn into weeks) where you are just sick of every food, and feel like something, but you dont know what... well thats me lately. I have also started as from today to preplan my meals, and try to choose a time to have them.. I think if my plan is more structured, I am less likely to fail..
You see it's my birthday on 5th June.. I would love to be down to 100kg by then.. Hence me getting into the exercise thing with all seriousness.. I am using yesterdays fill to really kick my ass into line. I know I have said this over and over, but now I am at the point where I have been banded for over a year and have not kept a steady run on the weightloss..I dont want to be one of those people that I was so judgmental about when I was first banded.. Shame on me..
Another question.. if you had a day where you could eat Absolutely anything you want without a PB or limit to how much you could eat of it, what would it be??? I'm still thinking of mine.. will get back to you on that one..
I've run out of things to talk about. So I will end here for now
xx Nene




Thursday, April 8, 2010

SOME PICCIES

Hey All, today is such a beautiful day here, so as promised, I took the kids to lunch and then the beach for sandcastle making.. You know, it just isnt as much fun as it used to be. I dont like to get all sandy. I kept washing my feet and hands, and was lost for inspiration.. and geez, I used to be a good castle maker.. I've lost my castle mojo. Me, self portrait at the beach.
I dont like this pic of me above, I look chunky and very wide at the hip.. But I promised to post even pics that I do not like of myself.. so here you have it.. Now in the pic below is how I prefer the angle of my pictures to be taken at.. makes me look alot smaller.. Even though I am not yet tiny tiny.. I cant wait to look that small in full length shots.

Prefer this one

This pic here is at the beach (obviously)... and it is a perfect shot to show just who rules the roost at our house.. lol... nooo, Montel was complaining that it was too bright and glarey, so Ayisha got a towel and promptly placed it over his head. Oh, she's a clever kitten, I tell you.



Ok, moving right along. In this pic, is of course my little pocket rocket, sitting on my last crochet project.. I made it for her, being that she loves Dorothy the Dinosaur from the Wiggles, and she has a pink and green Dorothy bedspread , so I thought I would make her blanket Hot Pink and Green. It is super warm.. And I'm kind of proud of my first effort.. Perfect for dragging out to the lounge in winter, and snuggling up in.
I have a new dilemma, dont stress it's not another break down.. I am just finding that I'm not liking any of the new fashions out in stores at the moment, and trying to find new styles that fit and suit me and my shape.. For so many years, I dressed to cover as much as I could, but now I was to accentuate the areas that I have lost, and still hide that "veranda" (tummy over hang).. So when I am looking for a top that sits on the hip, it can fall a little too short, and show my Rhino Toe.. grrr.. I'll have to stick to dresses a bit longer. But all in all, the colours and styles this season leave alot to be desired, they're just shit. I so wish that I knew how to sew.
Well I'm feeling like raiding the kids easter stash, so I might go pick up my crochet hook, and get to work.. that should keep me in line for a bit. I should have shot that damn easter bunny..
xx Nene






Wednesday, April 7, 2010

BOOBS, SANDCASTLES & SLIDERS

Aunt Flow has been and gone, the miserable feelings are being kicked out the door behind her, and I'm dusting myself off.. Time to get with the program.. Thanks to all of you who commented, and I have taken it all aboard.. Also a very special thanks to "Fat Bastard", thank you for giving me your insight and a male point of view..It is greatly appreciated.. I know sometimes you must read some womens blogs, and think..."Oh the drama".. but I also hope that you read and take in just how life is from a womans side of things.. It may in a way be helpful to you too..

On a positive, the scales are in my corner at the moment.. 106.2kg this morning.. I'm wondering.. HOW?!?! but I'll take it. I am more focused on getting back on track now.. I woke this morning, and weighed myself, happily I got off the scales, and walked to my wardrobe and started trying on some of the things that have been a little snug.. And some of them fit.. thats enough to put a lil bounce in my step today at least..

I was just reading Work In Progress and in her latest post, she mentioned the changes in her breasts. Over the week end whilst having my "Down Time", I realised just how much my breasts have shrunk. Now, my breasts have always been in proportion with my body.. when I was big and fat, so were my titties.. and I guess its only normal that now I am deflating, so are they.. I always longed for a time when my breasts stuck out further than my stomach.. but even with a 40kg loss, this hasnt happened. My nipples look like eyeballs that are looking down to my feet. Sad sad sad.. Even when I try to boost them up into my padded bra, they litterally do fold in at the top, there is no longer that "full breasted look". I know that it's time for me to buy a new bra or 3 or 4, but I am wanting something to make me look like i am packing something in there.. So many bra are minimising, or squash you flat and far apart.. I want some cleavage, its that to much to ask. In the past months, when dreassing, I have been trying to hide, blend or even accessorise what I see as flaws in my body.. i.e my saggy stomach.. but now, I spend more time trying to make it look like I have breasts.
I mean, I know breasts arent the be all and end all of everything, but I feel in some way, that I need some to help me feel a little on the sexy side...and I need aaallllll the help I can get with that.. LOL
Maybe untill I get down and have lost all the weight that I need in order for it to be worth getting implants, I will just have to buy me some rubber chicken fillet looking things and do as I did in primary school... Stuff my bra.

Yay, I am up to 40 followers.. Very excited bout that..

Tomorrow, being Thursday is what Ayisha and I call "The girls day off", on the day we usually hit the shops, and she gets her Baby Chino, whilst I get my Chilla. She hangs for this day all week, and being that it's school holidays, Ayisha told me that it's not the Girls Day off this week, because her brother (Montel) is home, so instead of going to the cafe, She has requested that we go to Sizzler instead, as she knows how much Montel loves it. She is very thoughtfull in that way. So tomorrow we go to Sizzler. Fun! I was also thinking, if the weather is nice, I might take the kids to the beach to build sandcastles. Take some nice pics, then get in and get dirty.. oh how I hate the feel of sand all over my hands, arms, legs, and other orifices.. But I love a good sandcastle with the moat around it, and tunnels throughout.. Or burying my feet deep in the sand then trying to get out. Takes me back in time.

Sally has also mentioned "slider foods".. what are my slider foods?? Hmm, I have become addicted to Cheezles. I think I could eat a whole box if I wanted, well hold up, I do want.. but I know not to. Now I have never been into cheezles or chips of that sort, but only since being banded do I prefer those over the regular potato chips. Another is chocolate. I have also never been much into choccie's or sweets like lollies etc.. but all these seems to work their way into my naughty treats list. Another is ice cream.. Mango and Macadamia Weis Bar.. hmmm. or mango sorbet.. YUM I need to put a stop to the sliders though. Which is why I have been crocheting.. I find that when I am doing a crochet project, I dont snack, and my weight seems to move down.. Maybe that has been a contributor to my loss lately.. I have a lap blanket in the making at the moment..

Anyway. I best get back to work. I keep bopping up and down between customers to get this written, and have lost my train of thought.. Shall be back when I have more to say
xx Nene

Monday, April 5, 2010

Happy Easter Monday

Hello ladies, ohh and gent.. Almost forgot that I have a man on my followers list.. :)
Firstly, I would like to thank those of you who left me the lovely comments of support on my last post. This last 4-5 days has been a really bad time for me. I wonder if i could label it.. A mini break down..
You see, I hold a whole lot inside when it comes to problems within my marraige and life in general. I dont raise the issue when something bothers me about hubby, because I dont like confrontation. So I had so much bottled up inside that I just couldnt for the life of me let out.. Then when I tried, hubby wouldnt let me.. he had "tude".. so I got to the point of exploding inside, and whilst I was feeling lost, I realise that there is also a thing that I am lacking.. Friends... real true friends, a friend that I can confide my all in, and drop in and cry on her shoulder.. I so needed this kind of friend over the last week, and it only got me feeling lower because I realised that I didnt have that.
I had always had a big social life prior to meeting hubby, but once meeting him, I got pregnant a little too fast, and lost most of my friends, because I was no longer able to party with the rest of them. I have had great friends over the years, but I guess I have always invested more of my time in my family (hubby and kids)..
Do you ever feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by people??
Do you ever have so much on your chest, but you just cant put it into words to get it out??

Cut a long story short, I finally wrote hubby a letter, telling him as much as I could about why I wasnt happy, even on there I feel like I was holding back a bit because I didnt want to hurt feelings, of cause confrontation..
I need to get confident, because perhaps if I was, I wouldnt feel so damn insecure.. Arrrgghh,
I told him I need emotional support, and to be included when he makes plans.. He does a fine job of making plans for himself to go out with mates at night, but when it comes to family things, he leaves it to me... orr why cant he organize a night out for me and him.???
Blah blah blah.. I wont go on much about it, or it gets me worked up again.
At the moment, things are ok.. Although, there is a little bit of emotional distance between us.. But the way i see it, It doesnt take alot to make me happy.. and i pull out all stops to try to please him.. hmmm sometimes I wonder why.....*blood pressure raising*

SUBJECT CHANGE

-Finally on wednesday night, Aunt flow arrived.. she has never been so welcomed..

-Easter eve, hubby went out... and Ayisha wouldnt go to bed unless I did.. Soo, I was left hping that I would wake in the middle of the night to do the easter bunny duties. Luckily I did, and go up and put the treats in the kids baskets.. Went back to bed all bleary eyes, and woke in the morning to realise that I hadnt left out Mr. bunny's paw prints.. oops, so I thought and thought and thought.. as quick as I could, what else could I do, then I realised that I also hadnt set up the easter egg hunt in the back garden.. Damn it!!! So as I was digging though the easter egg hunt supplies, I had my arms full and was tiptoe 'ing though the house to the back door when before me stands my little princess, rubbing her eyes, as they are fixed on the easter backets on the floor.. I think quick and turn, telling her to go and do a "wee wee" and wake her brother... off she toddles, and out the back door I go... I ran out, and litterally pegged/threw the assortment of easter eggs and chocolates all over my back lawn... Mission accomplished....
I said that the easter bunny must not have had time to hide all the eggs, because the dogs next door must have barked and scared him.. So the kids went and gathered their choccies from the grass.
Ayisha asked why there were no "foot prints", and I told her that the bunny must have wiped his feet this time. She was happy with that explanation..

BANDSTUFF
not only has this band help me lose the weight that I never could have lost otherwise, it has linked me up with some truely wonderful people (yourselves) and even at my lowest, when I posted my last post.. I turned to you all.. because your support is one thing that I can truely count on.

Oh I have also got back down to 106.6kg this week too.. Which really is strange, because of my shitty eating.. So in a week, I have gone from 109kg down to this 106.6.. woohoo.. now that it has come back down.. time for that fill.. No more pies for Nene.. No sireee
I did however have a bad bad bad PB episode on a chunky beef pie, whilst at work the other day.. so not good.

My sister is going for her first check up this week. She seems to be doing very well.. She has already been stuck a few times, which I think is naughty, because she should be watching what she's eating.. and she's not. Hot Cross buns, and Chicken Ceasar Wraps from macca's, need I say more. ??? Bad bad bad girl..lol.. oh and Ashton got out of hospital again on Friday.. he is doing ok.. just have to watch him with a simple cold or viral thing.. As he was born so premature, his lungs are weaker than a child that was born at full term, so this is why he gets such a hard time of it.

Anyway, I should be getting ready to shut this ghost town of a shop.. Everyone else is out enjoying their easter long week end... so I'm shutting early, coz I want to get to enjoying it to..

♥ you all
and thanks for putting up with my rubbish... seems someone got sick of it, I lost a follower..LOL.. oh well, this is me, as I am.
xx Nene

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy easter

Well Happy Farkin Easter to me... My marraige is in the shit pit, I am at the depth of depression, and the only fricken light at the end of my rainbow is Aunt Flow arrived.. THANK GOD!!!!

I guess the only thing for me to do is make sure my kids have a nice easter.. Now excuse me whilst I go and fill a tub with chocolate and drown in it..

Happy Easter Everyone..
I'll be back when I have my life sorted
xx Nene

Thursday, April 1, 2010

LOOK HOW SMART I AM... ha ha

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated, and happy.


Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”
xx Nene