Friday, April 23, 2010

HIDING BEHIND EVERYTHING

I just read Amy's post where she's asked the question of "What do we hide behind?" Hair, Weight, Clothes, Kids Fat??? My answer is... ALL of those things, except Fat.. I have always tried to avoid the fat part being shown..
My Hair- I have always tried to have it looking as best it can, putting it into styles that wont make my face look too round.
Weight- I have always used this as an excuse for not exercising and not doing things that would otherwise put me in the spotlight.. I hate being in the spotlight, I feel very self concious.
Clothes- I have always tried to wear the most updated flattering clothes, always careful of the fitting of garments (no muffin tops, overhanging bra lines) I always try to accentuate what is smallest on me, and hide what is not..
Kids- I think that since having kids, it has made social situations a little easier to deal with when they are with me, as the focus is more on them. I also use them in photos to stand in front of me, to cover my stomach and wide hips.. well pretty much to cover as much of my body as possible.

The thing I love about this shop counter at work is that it is quite high, so customers also dont get much of a view of my body. Having lost a bulk of weight, I still dont have the confidence that I thought that I would gain.. Looking back at a tight size 26, I would have done anything to be a sz 18.. Now, I really dont feel a whole lot different to the way I felt back then.. Perhaps when the weight starts shifting again, I will feel a bit more positive about it.
Even sitting on chairs in public, I prefer a booth seat than a stool or chair.. I dont like the thought of people walking behind and seeing my "saddle bags" hanging over the seat..not pretty.

I have always been very self concious about eating out in eateries.. or self serving at restaurants.. I feel like people are watching and judging what I am loading my plate with. I guess thats why I have always preferred the good old drive thru.. I could always order up nice and big, and sit in the car and scoff my freakin face.. no-one would know, I couldnt be judged and that was how I liked it. But then it came to the point where I was even a bit shy of driving through the drive-thru, because they would begin to recognize my frequency though there, and I knew they must have been thinking... "does this woman ever stop eating??" but they just smiled or smirked ( yes, Monique at the KFC drive through is a condecending bitch) as I drove out. Sometimes Monique would even finish my order with a "Sunkist" though the speaker before she even saw who was ordering.. She knew it was Nene's feeding time again.. knew my voice and my order. Sad state of affairs.

When being banded I knew technically that the weight wouldnt just come off overnight, hell, it took 29 years to put on.. But it didnt stop me from dreaming that one day I would wake up and be happy in my own skin.. I am still waiting for that day... the question is.. Will it ever come??? Probably not, and if it does, it's gonna cost a whole lost more.. Boob job, tummy tuck, veins in legs made invisible ( yes, I have discovered something new about myself to dislike) maybe the veins were always there, just hiding under my layers of fat, it seems that the more weight I have lost, the visible they are becoming.

I am now giving myself untill my birthday next year June 5 2011.. to lost all the weight that I need to in order to look good enough to get me some new boobies. That will be my present to myself for my 32nd birthday... My husband mentioned that a lady at work got her boobs done, and then left her husband.. I wonder if that was an underlying thought in his mind when I mentioned that I want some. I want them for me, and i dont give a damn what anyone else thinks of them.
I just realised it's time for me to finish work.. I shall continue this after the week end, still waiting for my internet to sort itself again...
xx Nene

Have a great week end..

3 comments:

  1. I agree that having kids helps makes social situations easier.

    Even when you don't have anything else in common total strangers will chat to you about your little one!

    I've also used them as a 'shield' in many photo's as well :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've often thought that if I died the kids would forget what i looked like as there are so few photo's of me post weight gain...in other words...since they were born. I'm always the photo taker and thus avoid being in the photo's. You're doing brilliantly Nene, you've earned those new boobs! xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nene...I really hope that one day you find reall happiness. You are just such a wonderful person and I never would have guessed that you were a size 18...you look smaller to me!!! I think when I found my new job and started studying Vet Nursing that I found the fulfilment that I wanted. I feel like I am doing something I love and I am good at it too. I still love my role as wife and mother but I also now get a chance to be me...and it is wonderful. Having the band has just completed it for me...I am losing weight without being so focused on dieting and food. Keep up the great work...we love you

    ReplyDelete