Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'M STILL AROUND

Hi everyone, sorry I'm still slack with posting, but to be honest, I dont want to come across as a miserable sad sack, and write about negative shit.. So.. I dont write at all.. Because I still feel really down in the dumps. I feel numb.. I cant feel happy or excited and share the joy and delight that my kids bring about. My marraige... ohhh jeez, where to start.. ?? I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and with this depression funk that I am in, it couldnt make it any easier, HOWEVER... he does nothing to make me feel any fricken better.. but it isnt just him that it making my world seem so dark and depressing, it is everything.. my weight, my hair, my clothes, the fact that some asshole ran a trolley into my car in the carpark...

And sometimes my reaction to things goes a little too far, and it is very out of character for me.. Example.. One guy took the parking spot that I had been waiting for for 10 minutes, I pulled up close and had a go at him, I am not a confrontational person... (not the same place that my car was assulted) .. Then the other day Montel was 15 minutes late coming out of school.. So I marched in there, right up to his classroom, where I could then see him coming out, looking a little nervous... I asked him if the new temp. teacher had kept him back for this long... He said yes, and I stormed up there, he asked me not to, but I kept steaming ahead, shaking with anger, I got to her and it went like this
ME - "I dont appreciate my son being kept in the long after the final school bell has rung" (still shaking, and face flushed red, glaring at her like i wanted to rip her apart)
TEACHER - "Who is your son?" (her looking at me like I'm a crazy lady)
ME - "Montel", (stuck for words for a second, and in shock at how i have just burst)
TEACHER - "Where you aware that montel has been misbehaving all week?"
ME - "How can I be aware if you have made no effort to communicate with me"
TEACHER - (speechless for a second)
ME - "Look, I have no problem with you diciplining my son, but do it in his time, not mine. Could you not have kept him in at lunch break? "
TEACHER - "I will do that in future"
ME - "Can I have your email so i can open the lines of communication, I will email you so that you have my email address and we can go from there..
TEACHER - "Yes, Ok, I will email you every day ( looking a little apologetic)

blah blah blah, in that time, i let her know that montel has slight confidence problems, and eating issues, and could she please monitor his lunch eating.. ( Montel brings home his lunch most days)..
Since then, I have received emails updating me on Montels behaviour (which in the first place wasnt that bad, just that he would listen to the class clown and laugh, more than listening to the teacher) She has praised his spelling, and neatness and pride in his work.. I am a proud mama.. However, just to be safe, I do remind him each day to pay attention, and ignore the class fool..

But getting back to my little outburst, it is so out of character for me. I just want to be me again.. I want to see the sunny side of things, I want to feel loved, and feel in love.. be loved, feel beautiful, wanted.. I want to laugh, and dance and have confidence.. To carry out a conversation, and not feel like what I am saying is boring, and of no interest..
Leading up to being banded, it was one of my goals and dreams, was to gain confidence with weightloss.. it seems, I have gotten a bit worse. I so hope it's only temporary..
Sorry to be such a downer guys..
xx Nene