Wednesday, July 14, 2010

FEELING A BIT BETTER

Hi there, well finally I have something positive to say.. I kind of feel like I am coming back to the land of the "Living and Functioning" .. I guess it just means that my meds are kicking in and doing their job. Its such a nice feeling to be a little more positive and relaxed. I must also say that Hubby is being great too..
Now that my head in in a clearer space, I need to get focussing on my weight again. I am sitting at 109.4kg as of this morning. Which is only 2 or 3 kg less than what I was on New Years Day this year. My lowest weight this year has been 105.9kg.. So I need to kick my own ass, and choose healtheir foods. Comfort foods, sliders, etc have been my best friend over this mind numbing time. I am now addicted to chocolates and lollies like I never have been before. So not good. BUT I WILL pick my act up, get my band tightened and move on from the naughty foods.

Changing the subject for a minute.. I want to raise something that has been bugging me and has hurt my feelings for a little while now.. I dont know if any of you remember at the beginning of the year, a friend of mine got banded.. this is the same friend that I went on a short holiday getaway with lastyear, with my hubby and our kids as well as her kids.. There are pictures somewhere of it. ANYWAY!!! a couple of months ago, we had organized for my family to go out to her new place for a BBQ to meet her new boyfriend, and so forth.. Now, I know I was wrong in not making contact and cancelling on her, however this is in the time I was starting to sink pretty low and when we spoke on the phone a few days after, she was drunk and I explained that things werent good with me, and it was even affecting my marraige, and that I was terribly sorry for letting her down. ... So at that time on the phone she was ok, and said it was fine because they had other people over anyway. ... Then a couple of days later, I get an email from her accusing me of making excuses and lieing about the state that my marraige is in and so forth, she even want as far as accusing me of being jealous of her weightloss so far...... and then it was that right there that made me think... Some friend? She couldnt know me too freakin well if she could accuse me of that.. obviously doesnt give a crap about my emotional stability or anything else for that matter. I was the one that pushed for her to get the band in the first fricken place.. I havent seen her since she has had it done, because she is too loved up with her new man. It has opened my eyes about a few things, and once again it has brought forward the realisation that TRUE friends are hard to find.
But then that is another story that I have for you all..
There is a lady/customer that comes into work, and she has always been lovely, and concerned about me, as she spotted the difference in me.. She asked for my address and said she may pop over for a coffee.. Then I find out from another customer who lives accross the road from this lady (Lillianne) that she is the friend/neighbor from hell.. She will arrive on the doorstep at any hour of the day, let herself in, arrive quietly, intrude on any personal issues or arguements in the house, try to verbally dicipline your kids.. etc etc.. So, one day i walked in to work, and she was being served by my mum, and she turned to me and said in an accusing voice.. "Just when do you think I can catch you at home?? I have been over 4 times this week.".. I was stunned and mum said "She's a busy girl, it's best to catch her here".
Anyway, fast forward to the next Thursday, (my usual day off), Montel was home sick from school, and we just spent the day at home watching movies.. I just happened to spot Lillianne pulling up slowly out front, about to do a u-turn to park on my side of the street. i had never moved so fast to wind all my blinds shut, and grabbed Montel to come into my bedroom... The next thing I hear is KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, loud enough to wake the dead... then when I think it has stopped, i hear her footsteps down the side of my house, as she walks around to my back door. At the time Montel needs to cough, so i put a pillow in front of his face to block the sound out.. Finally she leaves, leaving me pissed off that she has walked right around my yeard to try to see into my house.. Now as far as I know.. If someone doesnt answer the front door, it's time to leave. Soo, ever since then, I have really been distant from this lady, and I think she is finally getting the hint.. I will never give me address again.. Shhheeeesh, it's nice to have friends, but I dont want to be taken over.. and another thing.. she wants to know the ins and outs of my sex life. When I told her I had gone on anti-depressants, she automatically asked me, if it has affected my sex life....WTF???

As for the dog, I think I forgot to mention, we named her Milly..She really is very sweet, smart, sometimes a bit too mischeivious, BUT she makes me smile.

Tomorrow, i go and see a new Clinical Psychologist. I am sure that this time things will be better. She has alot of great reviews. As it also turns out, the one who robbed me, has her court sentencing tomorrow. I dont have much faith in the justice system here, so i cant say i am confident she will serve time. Who knows.

Well, I will love and leave you all for now. Thank you so much for your support in my time of need..
xx Nene

Friday, July 2, 2010

UPDATE

Hey all, let me get you up to speed on the goings on with me.. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I am also now on anti-depressants, and have been for a few weeks now. I didnt really want to get onto them, but I came to a point where there was no choice. I have been reffered to a pshycologist for treatment, however the one I chose and had my appointment with was absolutely horrible.. I big smelly guy with a filthy couch and pokey, smelly office, who pretty much said that I should quit my job, and that our business has been known for Robbery and hold ups, and that he cant see me making any kind of recovery unless I leave my job.. FUCKING IDIOT!!!! He also said he wanted to hypnotise me, to see if I could go further into detail of the robbery.. He seemed more interested in the fact that it was a female that robbed me, and kept asking if she was a druggo.. anyway enough said.. I am now in search of a half decent psychologist..if there are any..My GP is even considering reporting him, as he seemed very unprofessional, and unhelpful.

Even though I am on this medication, I still am not back to what I was.. I long to feel like I am myself again.. sometimes, I feel like I am on the outside looking in on myself and the goings on around me. I feel numb, I cant seem to laugh, cant cry and find it hard to smile, although I try for the sake of my kids.

On a lighter note.. I have adopted a new puppy.. I was at work, when an old guy came in the shop, and handed her over to me, he said "I just cant keep her, she needs kids to play with"... So guess what??? My kids seemed the perfect candidates.. they have been asking for a dog for the longest time.. I cant help but wonder if she was sent to me somehow.. to help make me feel a bit better emotionally.. Because she has lifted my spirits somewhat..She is about 4 months old, all white, with a couple of light brown spots on her floppy ears.. Apparently, she is a Staffy x Mastiff.... She is ultra sweet, very smart, a bit destructive, and doesnt know when playtime is over, but I think she might be just what we need..



I want to thank those of you that have commented and also privately emailed me.. your concern and care means alot..
xx Nene
P.S .. oh and weight wise... I have gained a few kgs.. I am now 110kg.. FARK!!! but right now, my emotional state of mind is of more importance to me..